Not that you care, in fact you can ignore this if you want, but I came out to my relatives, my whole family. It caused my mum's brother to become "worried" about me, so now he's keeping tabs on me via email, and the rest of them to ignore me further. I dunno. I was kinda hoping my uncle Del would say somethin about it, but he didn't. He's my favourite (I know, bad of me.)
But anyway, here's what I sent them, and Strangelove, and all other people who might agree with him, please don't tell me I'm not transgender. I know it, and that's good enough for me, but I don't really want to keep hearing it, not from you and every stupid person I know in real life.
quote: Dear Family.
It hurts me to have to tell you this, after almost eighteen years of you knowing me. Well, as much as all of you know me, and maybe even love me, there's a confession I must make. You do not know all. Every person has to have their own secrets, secret dreams, secret wishes, secret loves. I have a secret. I'm sure you have noticed, that I am kinda different from other people, or different in your opinion, I'm sure. I'm an extremely dark and depressing person, so people say, but getting to the point, that isn't all that's different about me.
Now, about me (now that I've taken my sweet time getting the background established). My whole life, I've been in denial. I have lived my life the way my parents wanted me to, the exact way they wanted me to. I started moving out of my personal blindness when I left the Christian faith and joined what I had always belived in and asked unanswered questions of my fellow Christians about, Paganism. I then started to become more myself when I wore black openly. I had in church, but not that much. Then the time came when I looked back on my years and saw what I had been thinking, what I had been doing. I sat for perhaps three hours or so and thought. I just watched my life play over and over again in my head. Do you know what I saw? I saw pain, of course. I saw lies. I saw love and I saw hate.
Pain, I saw in the girl I loved, though she never knew I loved her, or at least, I've never told her. The day before I was going to tell her, tell her everything, she moved, though that was right after the week I told her I would do anything for her; I think she saw too much in my eyes. She now lives in Nevada, far away from here.
Lies I saw in the way I was. Like I said, I was living in denial. I was living in a fantasy. I tried to be the best Christian girl I could be. I wanted to make my parents happy, and I've done the worst thing I could possibly do; I've dissapointed them. I wish I could make it up to them, that I could have been their son all along. I would even become fully female, mind body and spirit, if it would make them happy, make them proud. This isn't rebellion, or puberty. I didn't choose this. That's the last thing I want to do, cause my parents pain.
The love I saw was in Katie's eyes when I told her I cared for her, that I would never leave her. Tears filled those brown eyes, tears that I never saw, for she turned away from me then. I wanted to help her so much. I hated to see her hurt herself, and see her hurt by all the guys that never deserved her, and I hated that she could never love me back. I didn't fit in. I was supposed to be Christian, not lesbian. She was Christian, and not lesbian.
And I saw hate in the faces of all the people who looked at me, hate in the faces as they approached and tried to help me, to dissuade me from a love I could not help. Katie, the girl I loved, moved, and I blamed it on me. I had hurt the church, pushed away their best student, all because of me. Me and my feelings.
After that, I shrunk away. After that, I pulled away from everything I felt, everything I knew that was true. I had hurt too many people, sent too many people away, and drove too many people to madness. I was a hermit then, in the worst possible sense. I hated people, and I hated me, and in hating me, I did things I should never have done, that I will have to live with for all my life, things that will hurt all the people who ever speak to me, who ever see me.
On the first day of high school, my freshman year, I was sitting in the far back corner in math class. I remember that day like yesterday. The first person who had spoken to me, who had even noticed me in years, did. He walked up and smiled. Knowing, secretive, good, whatever; it was, it was for me. We were instant friends from that day on. I loved him like a brother, and he loved me like a brother. For four years this September, we will be friends.
For once, I felt accepted. I also knew I couldn't lie in the dark for long, for what I had felt and denied was coming out, coming out in too big of a way. I told my parents I wasn't Christian, after I had loved Jesus for ten years. I told my parents I was Pagan, loving Jesus in a different way, a more accepting way. And I told my parents I was transgender, who they saw was not me.
"It's a girl!" they probably exlaimed when I was born. "We'll name her Jennifer." Jennifer... Jennifer... That's my name. That's the name I have lived with for so long, the name I used to introduce me to Lee, my best friend, the name that everyone calls me. It doesn't fit. It's a girl, they had cried, and so had I. I am--as they say--transgender. I am--as I say--a gender freak.
I could stand in front of you on the street, and who would you see? You would see a young teenage boy, striving to make his way in life, striving to be accepted in a world that hates him and who he isn't. I could stand in front of my parents, and who would they see? They would see a young teenage girl who, to them, has moved out of clarity and into denial. I could stand in front of me, and I do, and I survey myself, and who do I see? I see who I'm not. I stare at my face in the mirror, the dark blue eyes, the soft curve of my hairless chin, curve of my body, and guess what? I hate it. I've broken mirrors over this. I've cried long hours into the night over this. I have wasted page after page of paper, spelling useless words of poetry. I speak and I hear the voice that is not mine, the voice that should have been deeper by now. I shower, and I think, this isn't right! I'm not who I should be.
You see, mentally I am not female. I think like a guy, I act like a guy and if you saw me on the street, you'd think I was a guy. Physically, I'm not a guy, I am a girl. To the world, I am a girl with a mental illness, something that could be remedied with estrogen or social conditioning. To me, I am a boy with a physical illness, the gender that should have developed the same in the third trimester went into two different directions.
I feel I have to share this with you, for you to know the truth, where I stand.
I am sad, I am lost, I am not me, and I won't be any of these things. Sure, I could pay fifty dollars a month for testosterone injections, but what would that show? It would show who I am to the rest of the world, not to me. I could pay seven thousand dollars for top surgery, but what would that provide? Scars on my chest, of course. Before or after, still always wearing a shirt. And I could pay one hundred thousand dollars for bottom surgery, but what would that give me? A penis that's half the size of a normal one, an empty pocket and a lonely life ahead of me.
No one's going to accept the gender freak, once they know who he truly is. No one's going to accept the gender freak once his mother pulls out his childhood photos out of spite or some warped way of trying to still belive he's her little girl.
But it's something that I've dealt with, and something that I'm going to deal with, though the whole world is against me, even though the ones I care most about--my family--be against me. You may wage war against me as well, tell me I'm in denial, I'm lying, or that I'm wrong. That's fine. I've heard it all before, and I will cooly sit and listen, and I will say nothing, for here I told you of me, and here it shall remain. Not another word shall come out of my mouth about this, but what you see, you may not like. You might decide to be on my side, to help me and lift me up, give me encouragement, that at this point, no one is doing, not even my brother, not even my friend. It is your choice, and I have given it to you. Just choose what you feel is right.
And that's it. Tell me I'm stupid, go on. My mum said I put too much personal stuff in here, but it was all background, leading up to what I was going to say. It all fits together, and .... well, yeah.
Do you think this killed my Gramma, or me coming to see her six hours before she died?
I commend you for sharing. You are, without a doubt, the single most interesting person I've never met.
Anyways, I truly am sorry about your problem. I really can't relate to it, and I am therefore reluctant to offer any sort of advice, especially regarding your parents. Maybe it's just shock, maybe it's a deeper-rooted disapproval; you certainly know them better than I do.
I do think that Dr. S's post had some wisdom in it (not the part about whether you are "technically" male or female, about that I could care less), but the part that went
quote: Wear what you think looks good on you. Date and fall in love with whoever you want. Live where you want, eat what you want, work wherever you want. Just don't deny your phyisical form. You can live with it, and live happily.
You've got a serious problem on your hands, and I can only imagine the pain and suffering that would result from living with your family's disapproval and being looked at as a "gender-freak". But, life will go on. It is a likely possibility that someday you will find another girl you truly love, and the way she looks at you will make you feel better about your physical self (I can say from personal experience that when a girl is looking at you in that special way, you know you're hot stuff; any physical flaws you can find with yourself seem to fly out the window).
Anyway, that's my two sense. Feel free to ignore it, as I have about as much knowledge about your personal life as Dubya does about foreign affairs.
And then, as the books were told, Fina replied: "A can of worms, my dear friend? What has this to do with reason?"
Celtic: Shock. Yes, that makes sense. At times, I think my dad is perfectly ok with it, treats me like a guy and all, but he never calls me "bud" like he does Jason. I'm still Jason's older sister by my aunts' standards, and mum is all quiet and sad about it. I really hate to hurt them like that. Now I wish I'dve done it sooner. (is I'dve a word?)
Star: You're optomistic, huh? I'm notorious for my pessimism.
None of us can ever be free while others are still in chains. -Leslie Feinberg
Look, you seem to be a pretty cool person. So what, who really care what other people (beside your family) thinks of you? Yeah, I know living in a world where everyone is constantly judging you, not caring what others think is kind of hard to do but it's their fault that they don't want to see you as you. God made individuality not samness. If you can be open about it and love you for you than hopefully everyone else will too.
I have not yet reached my goal, and I am not perfect. But Christ has taken hold of me. So I keep on running and struggling to take hold of the prize. My friends, I don't feel that I have already arrived. But I forget what is behind, and I struggle for wha
quote:Celtic: They haven't gotten used to it yet. How long does it have to take? I'm not impatient, but it's been all summer. I suppose it takes a little longer than that to live with me like this compared to seventeen years of thinking I was something else. That sentance wasn't gramatically correct (usually, I would kill someone for that), but I don't care right now.
I was in your family's position. They don't hate you or love you less or anything, but it's porbably just shocked them. I have a family member (not closely related, but my fam is really close, so we loved him as if he was) who admitted to be gay about a year ago, and even if we all accepted gays an such, we were still kinda, shocked.
The weirdness was there for a few months (maybe 3-4). But then it just sorta left. We don't care that he's gay anymore, in fact, we've met his husband and we're sooooooo glad that they've found each other and they're happy. We treat him like everybody else in the fam, and it's all good.
That's what's probably is going on in your family. A degree of schock. Now matter how much like a guy you acted or something (the gay man in my fam was a bit girlie, and we even had suspiscions that he was gay, but when he admitted it was that we were in schock), it's still different for them to actually have you admit that you're trans. Just don't run away from them, keep talking to them or sending letters (normal letters, the more you remind them the more time it'll take for them to get used to it). If they do bring it up, don't go insane crying or complaining, just tell them your feelings and such. Cliché I know, but tell them you love them and you hope they feel the same.
It'll work out, I promise
"Regardless, I have always, and will always, succeed."
You know, it seemed like a good and pretty thorough note to me...I don't want to sound sappy but it was pretty sentimental/poetic.
-----"""My mum said I put too much personal stuff in here, but it was all background, leading up to what I was going to say."""
At first I would say that too, but I think it really makes you sound like you mean it, and that it's truly how you feel, which was your aim all along, to prove that to your parents/family, so kudos for doing that. I would advise not linking the two subjects of religion and sexuality together...deal with them separately. Let praying Christians pray. That works in most cases.
"To see the world in a grain of sand, and heaven in a wild flower. Hold infinity in the palm of your hand, and eternity in an hour..." -William Blake
Strangelove: They've only recently been putting shame on me.
And I have been away. Perhaps not physically, but way so mentally. I don't have MPD, but I've let someone else rule my life, do whatever he wants. He hasn't really ****** it up much worse than it already has been. I'm almost ready to come back, though, and my opening attitude is that I don't care if they don't belive me, because I know what's true.
My options are limited, but I'm willing to pay 100,000 dollars if I have to to. And I don't deny my physical form. It's kinda hard to do that, but what I don't really like about society these days is that they discredit the mental. I believe true balance can only be achieved by balancing the physical, mental and spiritual. As of now, my spiritual is balanced. My mental is not, only because I'm depressed, and my physical is not, because of my gender. I merely want to balance them.
Being Pagan has nothing to do with if I accept myself. It's not the poar opposite of Christianity, they just think so. Besides, to Christians, everything is the polar opposite.
Malibu: Thanks I suppose. I've decided not to care anymore. And it's worked, for the most part.
Celtic: They haven't gotten used to it yet. How long does it have to take? I'm not impatient, but it's been all summer. I suppose it takes a little longer than that to live with me like this compared to seventeen years of thinking I was something else. That sentance wasn't gramatically correct (usually, I would kill someone for that), but I don't care right now.
This message has been edited. Last edited by: YNLissa,
None of us can ever be free while others are still in chains. -Leslie Feinberg
wow, wavemaster, that's deep...I wouldn't have the courage to come out and tell my parents, let alone everybody on a website about feelings so personal. I admire the fact that you may be ridiculed for being the way you are but yet you keep strong and live everyday w/o being suicidal. Stay that way, don't let people run (or ruin) your life. I can't really relate to your problem, so me saying this prolly doesn't mean much, but I just wanted to say that I think it's good that you have come out of the closet.
Wavemaster, from reading this I get the idea, at least in the part that I'm always involved with, that you still don't realize what I've been saying.
I've never denied that your transgender. I've also never told you to dress and act like a girl. I've never thought that social conditioning could fix your problem, or that hormones were the answer. You've misread what I've said about that. The point I was making was that IN THE WOMB the hormone levels you recieved were probably off, changing certain parts of your brain. After that, you're stuck with what you have, and the conditioning your absorbed was mixed up and conflicting. The results of this are obvious to you and me.
My advice to you: You need to do some major self-reconciliation and examination. Your problems are stemming from the shame that your family and others have put on you, or that you perceive that they are putting on you.
So the logical conclusion is that you have to get away. Think for yourself, talk to others. Live your own life without the burden of others.
Your dissatisfaction with the surgical and hormomal options point to the reasoning behind what I've always told you to do. Your options are limited, and it's best to simply accept who you are. Right now you can't do that because the people in your life are ignorant. You are a female. But you also have a male identity.
Wear what you think looks good on you. Date and fall in love with whoever you want. Live where you want, eat what you want, work wherever you want. Just don't deny your phyisical form. You can live with it, and live happily. You are a she, and saying otherwise is simply denial. From what you've told me before, I'm not sure if you've accepted yourself or not. I doubt it, because you're still depressed, lol. You've swung to the polar oppisite of the Christian ideal. Depressed, pagan, and whatnot. This isn't acceptance. It's overcompensation.
And that's all I can say right now without a face to face conversation. Now please re-read what I told you and realize that I am not some Christian fundie trying to "help you find the answer in Jesus" or some jerk off telling you to "die F@g!".
This is my advice, nothing more.
"Do you realize that fluoridation is the most monstrously conceived and dangerous communist plot we have ever had to face?"
"what the hell does this have to do with my post?" >>>>>>>>>> why are you asking me? I should ask you the same thing when you said that poem i posted in my Faith post that the poem sucks. So what? I was talking about faith, not about the poem suitable enough to win some contest! ( Why are you saying that poem sucks? What does that have to do with faith? Thats what my post was about... Faith, not the quality of the poem)
"You have a problem and yet you call me names?" No. Yes.
"What kind of person are you?" One of a kind.
"I remember something that when you have a problem, you should be considerate of anyone so that they could offer their help to you. Sheesh.... you are so cranky!" What the hell does that have to do with my post?
None of us can ever be free while others are still in chains. -Leslie Feinberg
"YOU WILL BE ABLE TO STOP CALLING ME NAMES AND BEING BAD TO ME OK?" You get what you give, the basic rules of Karma. You said yourself you hated me. I'm just returning the favour.
"I wonder why people here in YN always have suicidal problems." I'm not suicidal.
"That hurts you know" No sh!t. (does the word masochist mean anything to you?) Did I say in there, I cut? Hm. Oh well. I burn, too. Those leave worse scars. Oh, and a metal baseball bat can break bones, too. Did you know that one?
"you are one of the lost souls....whatever" As are you, my friend, lost and naieve is so many ways.
None of us can ever be free while others are still in chains. -Leslie Feinberg
You know, if you have a problem, you can talk to it about me or to anyone here. But why do you have to be so rude all the time? You have a problem and yet you call me names? What kind of person are you? I remember something that when you have a problem, you should be considerate of anyone so that they could offer their help to you. Sheesh.... you are so cranky!
oh hey depressedwavemaster.... Gosh, i know you now.. you are lost, you are sad.. right? Wow.... you know, you need help. Talk to your guidance counselor or something. That way, we can be friends and YOU WILL BE ABLE TO STOP CALLING ME NAMES AND BEING BAD TO ME OK? Your letter is really long. is that a suicidal note or something? I wonder why people here in YN always have suicidal problems. I mean, really....... life is worth living than cutting yourself. I cant even imagine myself cutting any part of my body! That hurts you know... but i guess... i dont know.... you are one of the lost souls....whatever
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