I have nowhere else to go. It's pathetic. But I'm just fucking sick of this shit. I'm sick of feeling like I'm going to throw myself off a bridge at any moment. I can't concentrate on school, or finish anything. I can't fucking focus. On anything. I don't even know why I'm talking about it, talking doesn't do shit. But, it's all I have. I've crossed that very thin line between depressed and FUCKING INSANE. You guys should be thankful I don't have access to a gun.
There's no point in talking to normal people. You have no clue what's wrong with me. You don't know what it's like to be this alone. 24/7, 365 days a year, for almost 8 YEARS. I don't know if I can take it anymore. Everyone I've ever turned to has pushed me away. EVERYONE. A person can only take so much before they crack. I've cracked, shattered, exploded, snapped, whatever the fuck you want to call it. I'm not even aware of reality 90% of the time I'm wake. I'm just elsewhere. Living a better life. No where near this world. I can't believe it's legal to treat mentally ill people this way. None of you want to know what this feels like, you'd crack after a day of it. I'm so tired of people thinking I can get over it, that I'm faking it for attention, or that I'm just lazy. I wish I was faking it. I wish this wasn't real. I wish it was just a nightmare that I could wake up from.
I've had plenty of near-death moments because of this. Like back in 10th grade when I took a handful of tylenol PM. It didn't kill me, so I took more the next day. And then more the next. Until I was too sick to move. Then last summer, I drank almost a whole bottle of Captain Morgan and threw up in my sleep. I was lucky to wake up soon after. Well, I wasn't lucky. I'm still here and people are still treating me like dirt. And I'm still getting worse. Why can't humans be euthanized to end their suffering? I can't suffer any longer. When I wake up in the morning, I'm ok. But as the day drags on, I spiral downward. Earlier this month, I took too many sleeping pills again. I ended up going to the Anchorage Pyschiatric Institute. That was one of the worst experiences of my life. I felt claustrophobic. Like a caged animal. I hope I don't go back there again.
I can't fucking gather my thoughts. I've been cutting myself since last night. And there's like not enough blood going to my brain or something. Those assholes at API put me on Wellbutrin. It hasn't done shit for me. It's just made me forgetful, less hungry and tired. Ah well, I least I lost some weight. It's also screwing up my already shitty heart. It beats normally, then pauses, then kickstarts itself again. It's difficult to breathe when that happens. It's scary. But do I have anyone to turn to? No. Do you think I enjoy this feeling? Do you think I like feeling as if my heart is going to stop and having only a pillow to cry on as comfort is fun? Do know what that fucking feels like? Like you're alone. And like you're going to die alone. That's the most awful feel in the world. You think life already sucks? Imagine seeing things through the eyes of the severely depressed. It's ridiculously hard to function. There is just no way for you to fully understand, unless you've felt like collasping to the floor and crying and screaming and ripping your own guts out, every god damn day for the last 8 fucking YEARS of your life. It's bad enough being fucking depressed all the time, but in the end, people come along and fuck you up further. I HATE PEOPLE. I HATE EVERYBODY. Caring about and giving a damn about anyone is a waste of time. So I don't do it. All the people I ever loved or cared about are dead to me. It's shitty, but I have to protect my feelings. You can't relieve your pain when you're worried about the people you'll hurt.
Last week, I found a lump in my side. I'll be pissed if it isn't cancer.
Well, I'm starting to bleed on my computer. That can't be good. Oh well.
"OMG EG is so emo!" No, this is my reality. By the way, this is Dr.Strangelove's fault. Well, not all of it. He just added far too much shit to my already huge shit pile. How you ask? By being dishonest with me and playing games with my emotions. Thanks.
Yeah, I said it. I don't give a flying fuck. Like any emotional distress I cause him can be any worse than what I'm feeling. Oh well, that's life. He'll get over it.
Of course we all know EG, a fucking pyscho, can get over it. Yeah, that's simple. I'll just ignore all emotional illnesses, which are my reality every friggin' day, from the moment I wake up to the moment I go to sleep, and get over it. That's like having AIDS and ignoring it and hoping it goes away. I need a new brain. That's the only thing that could cure me. That or death.
Fuck people, they're all nothing but worthless little shits. Glove included. Words can't even express how crazy I feel right now. There's just no way to describe it. Ever see those movies or documentaries involving mental patients, and they have that wild, caught-in-a-bear-trap look in their eyes and they're constantly moving their bodies and holding themselves and talking to no one. That's me. Only I have a knife, they aren't allowed to have knives. I now see why.
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