I hate pity, honest to God I hate pity. This is not a pity thread, nor do I ask for it. I ask for help, which is very rare to me. I rarely ask for help, and I rarely have a breakdown like I'm having now. On Wednesday, I'm leaving for New Orleans for a week to get away from my father. Why? Because he's emotionally abused me since the day I was born and my mother is incredibly worried that I might commit suicide if I stay in my hometown any longer and listen to his comments towards me. Although I don't see how it would do any good, because the risk for my life ending still exist when I return, I'm losing hope. My father has gone too far this time. At first, I was able to shrug it off, but now I can't. I can't run from him any longer and I'm forever burned inside because of him. As much as I'd like to, it doesn't seem right for me to blame him for the way I am. Why I hate everything and everyone on earth, why I hate to live, or why I hate to wake up in the morning. But somehow, for some reason, I can't. Just like I can't go on telling him to **** off, or leave me alone. Instead, I listen to him yell at me, tell me my flaws as if I don't see them in myself everyday, and tell me why my mother should have had an abortion. So instead of listening to his comments, I'll go to New Orleans for a week where I can think about the hurtful comments he's said towards me...I've had people tell me, "Don't listen to him Hannah, you're so much better than him," but you know what? It's impossible to believe such comments because deep down inside, I'm agreeing with the things he's said to me. Instead of thinking of my good qualities, I see my bad because of him. Every single night since I was 5 years old, I've had nightmares and for some reason, I wonder if it's because of him. Is it his fault I have nightmares every night? Is it his fault I've had thoughts of suicide, and attempts? Is it his fault that I'm depressed or that I'm a horrible person? Is it his fault that I've woken up crying, screaming, and kicking from my nightmares? I wonder, but once again, I deep down disagree. That it's my own fault. My own fault, that my father hates me. For those of you reading this, don't you dare try to tell me that he doesn't hate me, and don't you dare preach to me about God, I'm ****ing agnostic. I don't listen to that bull****. I want help, not sympathy. I don't want someone to tell me how they feel, because you don't know how I feel. No one does. Everyone feels differently, it's impossible to know how someone feels. Aside from my father, the numerous other problems in my life seem to fill in the blanks where his hurt doesn't. So whether he pushes me over the edge or not, the other problems will because in the end, life always ends up cheating you.

Effexor XR, I'm on that.

It doesn't work.

I sort of know what u mean . A very mild version of what you mean . . Its been 17 years and it gets worse . I havent learnt how to deal with it but i know how to get a temporary escape - sometimes i read sometimes i talk to my brother sometimes i do something worse . But you HAVE got to stop blaming yourself or him for the other problems in your life . Those you HAVE to learn how to deal with on your own - get over them . Sometimes i think everything i am is because of him sort of twisted version of "i am my Fathers daughter" without an identity of my own . But that can change . You know what his words do to you so you KNOW you wont ever make the same mistake with anybody else in your life .
I cant give you solutions im not a shrink . These are just platitudes but they still help .

Dont go with the pills suited for medical depression. These are mainly for depression without reason.You definetly have reason. Contact a program online maybe to get you started. Get counseling, trust me it's not just for psychos. I also think you might need to be removed from the home for at least a while to recover or have your father also enter counseling. Find someone you can trust to contact a psychiatrist or psychologist. Don't let him abuse you. It hurts just as much as physical abuse and will scar you even longer. God bless. try e-mailing the best couselor I know, Abbemac@yahoo.com she might be able to help!

Personally, I think you need to seek professional help. Get your mom to help you find the best psychiatrist you can afford and ask them about Effexor XR. Though taking pills isn't the best solution, they can really help you feel better with good counseling. They don't work for everyone unfortunately, but you can always try.

I feel that u have been hurt alot n i dont know how u feel cause i have neva been tho wat u have. I think u going awayz will b good but maybe when u get bak y dont u write down all the good thingz u n ppl c in u n the so called not so good thing. Ppl r very diff in every wayz if ppl were da same it would b boring no1 is perfect! I cant give u advice on wat 2 do all i can say is im here 2 listen i think thatz the best advice any1 can give some1 in a need of time were they wanna have a chat. Wordz mean alot but listening 2 some1 meanz so much more.