These are the thoughts of a friend of mine. I thought it to be pretty funny, and thus I posted it. These are not my views, and it is in pure jest.


Dear President Bush,

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God’s Law. I have learned a great deal from you and understand why you would propose and support a constitutional amendment banning same sex marriage. As you said, “in the eyes of God marriage is based between a man and a woman.”

I try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination…

End of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God’s Laws and how to follow them.

1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can’t I own Canadians?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanness - Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2. clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don’t agree. Can you settle this? Are there ‘degrees’ of abomination?

7. Lev.21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?

8 . Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though Lev. 19 expressly forbids this. How should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16. Couldn’t we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14) I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I am confident you can help.

Thank you again for reminding us that God’s word is eternal and unchanging.

I loved this board. REVITALISE BEFORE THE MIGHT OF THE GODS!

Jenos, I am pasting that to my Folder of Blaspheme. (AKA Science Notebook)

Heh.

I laugh.

quote:

Originally posted by CelticNewAger:
Wait....so part of the Bible is outdated and part of it is not? I smell a bad excuse...

I didn't say that it is necessarily outdated. Just that it can't all be taken literally. Most of the Bible is written figuratively. Also, I view my religious text as more of a history book. In other words, these are the rules that these people follow...not necessarily the rules that our society should follow today. I view it as something to learn from and to read about especially Jesus's teachings.

The reason why some Christians hold the New Testament over the Old Testament is because that's what makes us Christians. People who follow Judaism (where Christianity stems from), only follow the Old Testament and say the Savior hasn't come yet. Christians follow not only the Old Testament but the New Testament as well and say that the Savior (whom we call Jesus) has already came and risen and will come again. Since the New Testament is what makes us religiously different from Jewish folks, some tend to follow it more than the Old Testament. However, I say follow it all but look at it as a history and apply what you learn to today. By following this handy rule of thumb, obviously the Ten Commandments are still good while most of the Leviticus laws aren't.

Barkid, (first of all, don't worry about starting a war---I come in peace as well) name me some verses that specifically say that basically same-sex marriage is wrong according to the Bible that are not in Leviticus or Romans. I'll take a look at them.

quote:

Wait....so part of the Bible is outdated and part of it is not? I smell a bad excuse...

I think what they mean is the Ten Commandements(sp?) are pretty much forever as are basic morals like "Be kind" and "Honesty" and stuff, but obviously, slavery is outdated by, I don't know, a couple centuries or so.

But, you have a point.

I love this letter!!!

Yeah he definitely didn't write it himself. I googled one of the items on the list to make sure and over a thousand hits turned up. Here's the full thing from another website:

http://www.hotdesertknights.com/03/bush.html

Still funny though.

I will speak to him about that StrangeLove, I seriously thought he was telling the truth. But if this is but another list, I will confront him about it. One thing I hate is a liar.

And yes Celtic, Christians say the New Testament takes precedent over the Old Testament, so some stuff counts and some doesn't. Beats me because I don't know which to count and which not to.

quote:

Originally posted by Brehon:
Jenos, tell your friend there is no living satirist like him. Brilliant.

Unfortunately if Jenos's friend claimed that he wrote this, he's probably lying. This list has been being passed around online through emails and whatnot for some time now.

Wait....so part of the Bible is outdated and part of it is not? I smell a bad excuse...

That is the funniest thing I've ever read since I cracked open The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. Most excellent on your friend's part.

The serious bit: how come we should ignore Leviticus based on it's "outdatedness", yet the rest of the Bible still counts? Shouldn't it be all or nothing? This is the major flaw I find in living life according to the Bible.

I agree with Barkid in some respect, yet I still find it to be quite funny.

WorthWaitingFor,
I am by no means trying to start a war here, however I too am a christian and I must say although leviticus seems like it can be disregarded, there are other parts of the bible that say that marriage is kind of meant for a man and a woman. Also important is the lack of encouragement for same sex loving. Sometimes what isn't in there is just as important as what is.

This is awesomely funny. I love it. To clarify, I'm Christian. The thing is though that I have realized that the rules in Leviticus must be disregarded because those people were nomads and needed many rules to keep themselves healthy. Since we are no longer nomads or traveling people, we don't need as many rules to keep ourselves clean. The same kinda thing goes for other rules/laws in the Old Testament.

I'm not saying I disregard the Bible---it is still my religious text---but I know how to take things with a grain of salt and to apply it to today's terms.

It's kinda ironic--I'm a Christian in support of gay marriage and I'm pro-choice.

This is amusing, although leviticus is being taken out of context as it was meant as a set of guidelines for christians living amongst a foreign people.

This awesome. Simple brilliant. Any Republicans/ Christian comments, please?

Jenos, tell your friend there is no living satirist like him. Brilliant.

Heh. Beautiful.