Registered: August 22, 2006
Posts: 2
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My name is Nicole and I'm 16 years old and I just joined YouthNoise. the point of me joining isn't to share my story, but i saw how much you guys are supporting each other...and I realized how much support i need-i know that sounds corny, but ive barely told this to anyone and i need to get it out to people who might understand
about 14 months ago i started dating this guy. he was really sweet at first, giving me flowers, really caring about what i said, making sure i had what i needed, etc. the first 6 months were great.
then, one night in december, we had a fight in his car. i walked out of the car because i was so angry and was afraid that i'd like hit him or something. now, i used to get angry at him a lot and push him away a lot because he would flirt with other girls and do things that would just upset me. anyway, from that night on, he started treating me like his plaything. whenever i'd ask him if he was flirting with another girl-just out of curiousity, NOT in an accusing way-he'd get mad at me and say i was assuming things and ignore me for a few days.he'd ignore me for days on end because maybe i'd make an "assumption" (like one day, i gave him some quarters to pay the toll when we were driving to the mall. the next day, he took out some quarters from his pocket to buy a soda, and i asked him if they were my quarters that i gave him...he got mad at me and ignored me nearly the whole time we were at the mall for "assuming" they were my quarters). he changed into a completely different guy...one time, we were just playing around, and i hit him in the face lightly (i made sure it didnt hurt). then he drew back his hand and hit me back full force, so that i nearly toppled over. his motto was "whatever you do to me, ill do to you a thousand times worse." he used to use that motto all the time.
One of the events was when i made him mad for some stupid reason...i don't even remember what, maybe i was fooling around and like hit him in the head with a pillow or something...anyway, he was mad, so i went over to hug him and talk to him about it. he pushed me off the bed we were sitting on. i kept getting up and he kept pushing me down...at one point, i hit my hip on the wooden frame of the bed and hurt myself and started crying. hesaid "get up, the floor's only for children and crybabies." so i got up, and we kinda made up...but it was more like me begging for forgiveness...was that right of him to do that?
there was another time...its really hard to say...we were sitting on his bed and he was mad at me for some reason-the reasons are so insignificant that i dont even remember them-and i went over to hug him and try to make everything okay. he suddenly pushed me down on the bed and started kissing me. i thought it was okay, because i thought he wasn't mad anymore. then things started to not feel right...i can't explain why, but it just felt wrong. so i told him to get off. he didn't and started touching me. i told him no, stop, stop it! and he didn't stop. i struggled to get away, but he was a big guy and i couldnt get away...he just kept touching me and wouldn't stop even though i was telling him no no no and trying to get away. then, i just started to go numb. i couldn't feel anything, i put my mind in a different place.when he saw that i stopped fighting, he stopped touching me and rolled over to the other side of the bed. would someone please answer me something: why would he do that to me? to get a reaction? it doesn't make sense that he'd do that then stop once i started fighting. anyway, after he was done i curled myself up into a ball and started crying. all he did was turn away and say, "would you relax, hun, i was just kidding"
what are your opinions of that? was he wrong to do that? i just don't know if i deserved it...could i have deserved it?
Have i deserved anything that he's done to me?
he was so cruel to me, why would he do stuff like that to me? i can't help but think that i deserve it...he just stopped caring and said it was my fault cuz i walked out of the car that night in december...i just don't know what to do, don't know what to think.and the worst part is, i can't trust any guys anymore, except online, where the person isn't really real. i don't trust niceness, because my ex was really nice to me one minute, then really mean to me the next (he'd give me a hug at the beginning of break at school, but if i couldn't give him a backrub because my arms hurt-he wouldn't even ask for one, just expect it of me- he'd get mad and call me a bad girlfriend and ignore me for the rest of the school day). i don't trust niceness, and i don't trust guys. if someone's nice to me, i just wait for them to show their dark side and yell or snap at me or hurt me because i did one little thing wrong.
are all guys like my ex? please, someone help me to trust people again, especially guys. how do i know if one is faking niceness? i found out later on that my ex was just putting on an act of niceness before he revealed his true self. please, someone help me heal, because i am so lost and feel so undeserving of love or anything good and i don't trust people...
What do I do???
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