agreed, If I'm not the best, I'm not happy.

I know what you mean, Worth.

This year, in Band, I hate it because I am second chair (how lame is that?). I get so angry because I get no solos or anything like that.

I don't think even the #1 is happy. The #1 in our 8th grade class last year was so wrapped up in being the best. I am guilty of doing things you mention. I consider B's to be unacceptable when gotten in subjects that I am good at. I was so angry about my B in Bio this semester because I am doing better in chemistry, which is a harder course. I also am spoiled because I don't understand how I can be doing worse in classes that are on lower levels.

My complaints aren't warrented to many people. Like you, I get the responces that I have alot going for me. And I do, I know that, but I'm not satisfied with it. It's because of the perfectionist in me, I imagine.

I'll go ahead and write a response though I'm pretty sure I'll be getting replies like, "You've got so much going for you...why are you complaining?" and other stuff like that. Which is why I refrain from discussing subjects like this too often.

I make straight A's. I've never been below 5th chair in band and I'm usually 1st or 2nd. I'm 9th in my class of 401. I volunteer weekly. I played basketball for 7 years. I'm not too bad looking. I have an amazing boyfriend. I have lots of close friends.

But here's a scenario when I get my report card: "Oh...don't show me that...you probably got 100s in everything."

Or when we have a playing test in band and I'm practicing: "You don't need to practice, you know you're going to make top chair."

You know what I'm thinking in my head? I could've got a better grade in Chem.

I could've got a higher chair. 5th is too low.

I know it sounds ridiculous to most people (which is why I don't often share this information). But I don't compare myself to other people. I don't care what chair Miss Suzy got...I care what chair I got and I want to make sure I got higher next time. I don't care if my grade is an A (if it wasn't, I'd probably cry); I want it to be the top grade. I don't live up to others' standards, I live up to my own which happen to be high.

But comments that I commonly get like the ones I mentioned above, almost make me not want to continue doing well. "Almost" is emphasized because I let it go. Unfortunately, those people who make the comments feel a need to compare themselves to me and don't like the results. I honestly don't understand why they think I'm so good---I'm not 1st chair this year and I'm not ranked 1st in my class. If I'm not #1, then why do they care so much? I'll probably only be truly happy if I have that top spot.

On the flip-side, I'm certainly not unhappy with my accomplishments. I'm very happy with them. But not satisfied. And that's what makes me different. I don't settle, I'm not satisfied with great. I want perfect.

Go ahead, call me crazy, tell me I'm obsessed, tell me none of this will matter so I shouldn't be working so hard. I've heard it all before. But it matters to me. And who else matters? As long as it matters to me and I work for what I want, why should anyone else care?