Suicide. Most people talk about it or joke about it. Most people understand what it is, but not how devastating its effects can be. "Something that happens all the time, but probably won't happen here." It's different, though, for those affected.

A lot of you that haven't been affected by the suicide of a friend or family member would argue that you still understand it well. Until today, I would have been right there with you.

One of my friend's sisters committed suicide today, and I never thought grief was possible for someone I didn't know that well. I had seen her and talked to her, but she was a few grades above me and in high-school. Even so, I'm crying myself sick right now. There is still a part of me that won't accept it. When my grandparents died, that was of old age, and that's natural. I could accept that, knowing they had lived full lives. This feels wrong, though, feels out of place. It shouldn't happen. It shouldn't.

I've gotten really upset sometimes, and I thought that was pretty bad. But suicide never even crossed my mind. How much pain, then, does it take to drive someone to suicide? How long does it build up inside? How much sorrow and pain can one person hide?

With as much anger and grief as I'm feeling right now, I can't help but wonder how her close friends and family would are dealing with it. Especially her sister. I haven't talked to her yet, because I'm trying to calm myself down first. That thought brings me a lot of pain.

This year had just started going well for me, and I thought it could only get better. Then this happened, and it was like being in the middle of a joyride in your favorite car when you suddenly crash into a brick wall. A dead stop.

I've lost him.
And I can see it, over and over. The blood, the cruel laughter, the mutilated man lying in my embrace. I couldn't save him. What are his eyes telling me?
I wake up with a scream. Cold sweat. I feel the nightmare still.
Silence.
No one comes to help me. I start shaking. I can't breathe. I don't care if I suffocate. I've lost him in reality, I've had this dream before. It never ends. No one ever hears me cry out, even though I have that nightmare every night.
Silence. I don't care if I die now, alone, everyone peacefully asleep. I envy them, being able to say "oh well" and forget about him.
It is my fault. If I had just believed my visions were real he'd still be alive.
Darkness takes me and I sleep fitfully.

This goes on from March 2002 to September 2003, but the nightmare no longer comes at night, but whenever someone mentions what happened on the news. Every time I close my eyes. It tears me apart. I cling to my Bible reciting verses that calm me after I see his eyes again.
I'll never know what he was saying.
I'll never know.
Never.

It takes me into it again... the room, the crack on the wall, helpless. screaming "NO!" begging them to take me instead but they are cruel and deaf murderers.

"ENOUGH" my voice says, "It is over. I quit"
I snap out of it, shocked at my sudden ability.
But the pain swells. It's drowning me in sorrow. I feel my heart shriveling against it, twisted tighter and tighter into a knot, closig my throat, strangling me.
"CUT IT OUT!" I hiss. The it hits me. I can! I can cut it out. The only way to stop my heart from aching is to amputate it.
What does it matter anymore? WHo will care about my death? They'll get over it, like everything else.
What would he say, Caera?
The voice is so still, so small, yet I know it.
"He has no choice. I can't take it anymore. I doubt he'd like to see me live Hell. You are good to me God, but I'm not as strong as you say I am, not yet anyway. I won't last long enough to become that being i'm supposed to be."
Wait, child. Just wait. You'll be amazed.
" You'll have to send my sister in to talk me out of it, God. If I get up I'll go the wrong way and I'll be found dead in the morning."


There's a knock on the door.

And the rest is history

This is a True Story. And I am that being God said I'd be.

Hey, I understand. I SAW a suicide when I was really young.

Evy

I am so sorry to hear about your friend! I am currently trying to start a suicide prevention club at my school, it is going alright...but I would like eveyrone her eto pray that it ends up working out, hopefully we can get a club together and save lives!

i was close to the family of the girl who comitted sucide. everone thinks about sucide...but it very selfish infact because u do not think of the world around u. Death is the only final decision.it is sad.why?how?we think... but what we need to do is help the others so we can help the future ...(i know it sounds a little cliche)
feel better spooch

I agree with Audree

how true..

Thanksgiving is coming up, and I've been doing some thinking. Everybody has trials that they must face in life, and some have harder trials than others. A few people, though, have trials nobody else would understand. Trials so unforgiving that these people see only one way out. But that is not the solution.

The solution is to see what can be gained by holding on and completing the trials, and to see what has already been gained. Give thanks for what you have, little as it may be, because nobody has nothing. Everybody has something or someone to live for.

Have a happy Thanksgiving, guys.

Things like that happen all the time. But just because it happens often doesn't make it normal, ya hear? Never accept suicide as an answer to "get away" or to solve your problems because IT WONT. Your friend had some problems that she thought were to big for her to handle but the truth be told they probably weren't.

Despite not knowing eachother we have something in common. We know how devastating suicide can be and we know how selfish it is. People who commit suicide are selfish to an extent and I know that sounds really harsh but it's the truth and sometimes the truth isn't what you want to hear. If you think about it, if the person really cared about other people they would have never done that... They would have cared enough about their friends and family to never let them grieve like that.

Always be there for someone. Always be nice to someone because you don't know what's going through their minds... You don't know how they feel inside and you never know... You might just change their decision. Much love to you!

Knikki

I'm sorry, hon, I really am. I know how you feel, or at least something similar to it...my brother killed himself two years ago, and you never really get over it. It's just so wrong, so incredibly, horribly wrong that someone you knew, someone your age (or close to it), someone you never expected to die is gone. If I can ever, EVER do anything to help, just NOISEmail me. When Eric died, all I wanted was someone to hug me, let me cry on their shoulder, so to speak, but everyone avoided me, tried to give me "time" whatever that means. I don't know if most people feel the same, but maybe that would help her sister more than avoiding her until you can control your emotions. I can't say for sure, because everyone's different, but give it some thought, okay? Love, Jen.

I'm sooo sorry. That must be so difficult.

I knwo what you mean though, about people not taking it seriously. The toher day oen of my teachers made a suicide JOKE. See she was sitting in front of a big window and there were workers on the roof of the building across the street, and the teacher was trying to get the kids to move in so they'd hear her announcment. She said something along the lines of "move in or you won't see the guy trying to commit suicide off the roof...::chuckle: no I'm just kidding now listen..." I was outraged. I couldn't say anything to her because I was afraid I'd lose it and get like expelled for cursing her out. I just can't believe someone could be so....I don't know how to describe it. I wanted to scream at ehr and ask how she thought other people might take her little joke, anyone who knew someone who committed suicide, or someone who tried, or someone who has had problems with that issue personally and has really been suicidal or is, and anyone that cares about it. I just want to shoot the woman for that.

About reasons for suicide, I think it branches from one or both of two things, and forgive me correct me yell at me if you want if you disagree.
I think it comes from depression as an illness, even with no trauma, just psychological stuff. I also think it can come from certain events having such a potent effect on the person that they get to that point. It could be anythign that means a lot to them, a person or relationship lost, something like that. You never know. I'm sure there are people who have had other reasons, but I think primarily it is based on trauma of sorts and/or depression as an illness.

I hate when people don't realize just how mcuh of an effect it really has. I also hate when people say that if you're strong enough or really care about how it'll affect others you won't do it. I don't think you can possibly see that something can be so hard to live with or maybe that living can be so hard that you feel it is the only option until you've been in that place. I understand how hard it is try to understand the feeling, and how hard it is to step out of your box and think that they weren't a coward but life wasn't the same for them. I've been there, but things changed for me and now I understand that hopeless feeling better. People just need to learn to step out of their protected bubble.

Best Wishes,
~Quebby~

*hugs*. I'm so sorry.

I've known two people who committed suicide. Nobody close to me, but I know how shocking it is. One of them was really recent. I find it very hard to remember he's gone. He was a conductor at my local music centre, and I keep expecting to see him around the place… It's so surreal and awful, I just shy away from thinking about it most of the time. It must be especially hard to deal with when it's someone so young.

Bex

Thanks for your support, guys. I really appreciate it. The only thing anyone can do is just deal with it and keep on going, so that's what I'm going to do.

I'm not suicidal, because I have one reason to live. The thing is, I don't have a single reason to die. So, I'm stuck living day in and day out of what the government has planned for me, waiting until I can move out of this freaking state.

I know how you feel. It really bites if you, yourself want to kill yourself or if someone you know wants to kill themselves. I am trying to figure out why people do it and I came up with one small theory but it's dumb so I am shutting up. Hey, sorry

I'm deeply sorry about what happend to your sisters friend. You know, what you say is true, one might think that one could understand what you might be going through, but it is not so. Even though I myself have been suicidal there is no way I can possibly undestand or grasp the idea of how painful it can be to have someone go because of suicide. Come to think about, I don't know how I could be that blind and be willing to put my lovely parents and my loved ones through that. Though there is nothing I can possibly do to make this burden lighter on you, I will say that I'll be praying for you and for her family so that you they and you as well have strength to get through this. May you find peace within your heart.

I hope this websites help, they are for friends and survivors(family members left behind) of suicide:

http://www.survivorsofsuicide.com/help_heal.shtml

http://www.survivingsuicide.com/beyond.htm

iv been suicidal.. u know wat to do wen u feel like dying?? ..sleep

..no really, sleep and stop thinking bout ur problems..

I am sort of in the same boat as Poncho, I just don't know what to say... Except I am really sorry. I know that probably wasn't to helpful. But that was all I could think of to maybe make you feel a bit better.

My best friends friend didn't commit suicide, he died of an overdose of some drug. My bf was tryin to get him to stop it, and he was making progress. That is what mde it even worse. I cvould see it in her eyes how upset she was at school. I ahd only talked to him a few times and 1 was 2 days b4. I came home and cried. I wasn't sure if it was the fact that he was dead or about my friend and all of her pain. We havbe become even closer since that. if you need to talk noisemail me.

I really have no idea what to say to this. I know I can't help, but I wish I could. I want to change this. I hope I can do something.

I don't know what to say.