You know how sometimes you just need to get something off your mind, and it helps to have other people evaluate your problems... well this is one of those times, nd this seems like the more proper place to put it...

See, the thing is I feel kind of guilty over my English class. I believe that my teacher thinks that I am suicidal. Now I've seen things rough, and they're not really all that spiffy right now. But just a little over 2 years and I'll be out of my alchohol-abusing family.

For class, we had to pick a quote from a book, and inturpet it. And maybe it resulted from working on my paper about Columbine... but I started thinking about someone I once knew. Who liked to live on the edge... until he did something as incredibly stupid as to play Russian Roullette with an automatic... I didn't expect to be called to read my interpetation... but it went something along the lines of "Sometimes after an initial desicion, things continue to compound upon eachother, that in this case, made the extent of the characters lives very difficult". But I think my teacher took it as a HELP ME type speech, because of the questioning afterwards, which I probably should have explained more to him about my friend, but I really didnt want to get into it.

Although, subconciously, I really don't know what I was doing. I guess I knew I would have to read it. And it wasnt exactly like this suicidal individual was my best friend. I am admitting to myself that I have dealed with some issues of depression a few years back, and had thoughts about the unthinkable, even though I don't believe I would have carried through... but things were REALLY tuff then. But... what I think I'm trying to get at is... well, what if I'm trying to have someone reach out and help me. What if I'm going to start sliding downward again? What cn I do to stop it? I don't want to end up screwed in the head again...

I know that... well... I used to seek my peace of mind at our local youth center, where I work. I am dedicated there because my mentor, who worked there, and I believe helped me through a lot, and well... I wanted to follow in her steps after she left and transfered colleges. But I haven't seen her much, which mkes things hard, and also the new management doesnt seem to appreciate me helping out, and I feel out of place, and without anywhere to turn sometime.

But I'm not really messed up, just a little confused.. any feedback?

Well the first thing I want to say is thank you for asking your question. I also grew up in an abussive and troubled family and I had to deal with alcoholism and drug addictions all the same. I know how lonely you feel and how no matter what you do you have to go back to a place that is built and thrives on pain and lonelyness. I have also had a friend do stupid things and end up on there back. I know when I was in school my teachers thought I was suicidal and even had me go see a shrink. It was all a bunch of junk. Finding a place to belong is very rare now days. I know that it is hard having someone help you through tough situations and showing you the way and then they have to leave, but you can still remember all the good times you had together focus on the good things and they will always help you when you are in need of a good cheer up. Now as for the new management not liking you helping out I know of many places you can go and get paid while you help out and recieve money for college. If you are interested then check my profile and send me an email and I can send you all the information you need. Before I end this reply I just want you too know that life is tough and with the deck already stacked against people like you and me we have to talk to others and find help and even a ray of light in our darkest hour. So inconclusion I want to urge you to continue to talk to others and ask for help, because it is always easier to beat a problem with more than one person helping out.