I was talking to my cousin, and she brought up the fact that I'm drowning my life in self-pity, and I spend to much time feeling sorry for myself. I couldn't complain with that argument, because I've noticed it too.

My only explanation really, was that after all of the things that happend to me this year, I didn't know what to do besides cry and beg for attention.

I realize that I need to do something about it, otherwise I'm just pushing people away from me. I guess I was just wondering if any one had any advice on how I could go about regaining self-confidence and esteem, so that I don't have to turn to attention as my answer.

Thanks.
-Nicole.

Oh, wow, you don't know how thankful I am right now. I really appreciate all of you taking the time to help out, all of you have wonderful advice. I'm going to try the things you said, and I'll get back to you soon on how it all works out.

Thanks again.
-Nicole

quote:

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My boyfriend broke up with me: At least I won't feel guilty about finding other guys attractive. You see what I mean? Just try looking at the glass half-full more often.

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That's a very important point. Let me tell you, though, it took me a long time to really develop this outlook. You have to train yourself to look for the good in situations. Sometimes it's easier to start with other peoples' situations. If your friend came to you with your own situation, what would you say to make her feel better? You would look on the bright side, right? That's a good way to practice the glass-half-full outlook, and eventually it'll get easier to do for yourself. It's a good way to avoid the "What's good about this situation? Nothing, it sucks!" pitfall. Because you would never say that to a friend... right?

I despise self-pity and try to avoid it at all costs. I focus on everything that is good in my life and even try to find good things within bad situations. My boyfriend broke up with me: At least I won't feel guilty about finding other guys attractive. You see what I mean? Just try looking at the glass half-full more often.

But also remember that a bit of self-pity is necessary once and awhile. Meaning, you do need to acknowledge the bad feelings and situations you may be experiencing. But instead of wallowing in the bad, look for a solution and try to change it into a good. If the situation is really too terrible to find any good at all (which I find nearly impossible) then just take a moment, cry, and then move on.

Yes, I used to wallow in self-pity every day... I know that feeling like you'll never get out of it. Believe me, if you want to you will.

Let's see. What did I learn in therapy? Well, it may sound idiotic, but the first step to knowing the nice things about yourself is to say them, even when you're not sure that you mean them. I know it's trite, but it really can't be overstressed. Tell yourself positive things.

If, for example, you have difficulties talking to people, tell yourself that you can (and will) go out of your way to talk to someone today. Then do it. Plan what you want to talk about and pick someone you know will respond positively. This builds confidence. If your problem is speaking with others, don't try to solve it by approaching a stranger on the street. You've got a better chance of being shot down, and you don't have the confidence level for it. Just make a point to talk to someone like your mom about something trivial like her new haircut. Then, once you have the confidence level built up with some small-talk, try talking to her about one thing that actually matters to you. Don't tell her your deepest fears and secrets; just test the waters to find out how trustworthy she is and slowly build a bond.

Set goals for yourself. Make to-do lists and check them off as you go. Even if they're simple things like "read one chapter of the book I've been working on", "compliment someone", or "clean my bedroom", they'll give you a certain sense of accomplishment. It's hard to have much pity for yourself when you feel like you've accomplished things in your day.

These kinds of things have worked for me. I'm still a quiet person-- you won't see me chatting up complete strangers-- but I have an easier time meeting and getting to know people, and I know who I can trust now. Nicoley, you need most of all to figure out who you can and can't trust. If you can't think of anyone you trust right now, it's probably not that everyone in your life is distrustworthy, but rather that you aren't sure of the ones who are trustworthy. Test the waters, like I said. Start out with the small stuff. If you need any help, keep posting here or NOISEmail me anytime.

There is this guy at my church that I like and he likes one of his friends from school and he was sitting with her like teasing her and stuff and I almost cried. Then my parents got home and yelled at me for who knows what I don't remember I just totally sobbed and I was thinking "I don't have a bf my parents are awful I hate all the pressure with school people are jerks" ect. I still feel really bad about everything but I've been trying to be more optomistic. It's nice to know that not everyone else has a perfect life too because it sure seems that way a lot...