I know I've posted about this before here: http://boards.youthnoise.com/eve/forums/a/tpc/f/573295355/m/40610614 But I just wanted everyone to know how quickly diets can get out of hand. I'm pretty confused at the moment, and as a seemingly confident and headstrong person this is not something I am used to. Losing weight for health is fine. Losing weight because you need control is not. I put all my quips with the world--the fact that I could do very little about them--and my frustrations into something I could control, my weight.

I went from 154 lbs to 140 in a month and from 140 to 132 in another month and then 132 to 124 in a month and 124 to 116 in a month. (And NOT in a healthy manner...) When you weight about 116 pounds at 5'6'' and you still hate your body and want to weigh less while every other problem you've ever cared about has taken a back seat to this "thing" and you have to feel guilty every time you think about your weight when you want to be saving the world like you used to... Something is severely messed up.

This is just a warning. I never, ever thought this would happen to me. I was above this. I was above the petty woes of angsty teenage body image. Yet here I stand, skinny and unsatisfied, waiting to finish my homework so I can hop on the elliptical machine and burn off all the calories I've eaten today.

I hope you don't lose respect for me. Please realize that it's not about the weight or the skinniness; it's about the control and the power, and I want to be able to deal with it in some other way. I obviously wasn't strong enough to handle all the strong emotions I was experiencing pertaining to world crises.

I miss YN terribly and am hoping that my return will help me redirect my energy and pull me out of the disgusting place I'm stuck in at the moment. I hope that by beginning to write for the CitiJo again will help. I hope that by being around all this positive, focused energy will help. Thank you for reading, and please remember what I've said. I'm sorry I've let all you YNers down.

We will always love you. Besides, we are all a little bit fucked up in one way or another. That is why we get along so well.

Thanks, Amp. I dunno why I didn't come sooner. I guess I just assumed everyone would think it was petty and pitiful and all that jazz. I'm trying to get it under control now. Now whenever I try to eat a normal amount I end up overeating, which is really quite ironic.

Thanks for the support.

quote:

I hope you don't lose respect for me.

Never dear, the only this that really saddens me is that you didn't come to us sooner with this, we're your friends (well those of us who are left...) all you had to do is say the word and we would have been there to support you. It's kinda what we do.