The Physics of Hell
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington
engineering mid term. The answer was so "profound" that the professor
shared it with colleagues, which is why we now have the pleasure of
enjoying it.
The question was: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic
(absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law,
(gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or
some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:
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"First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So
we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate
they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul
gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, lets look at the different
religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions
state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to
Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people
do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls
go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the
number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell. Boyle's
Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to
stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls
enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase
until all Hell breaks loose.
2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase
of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell
freezes over.
So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Teresa
Banyan during my Freshman year, "...that it will be a cold day in Hell
before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I still
have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then, #2 cannot
be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze."
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The student received the only "A" given.
"Mac, you ever been in love?" - "No, I've been a bartender all my life."