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Picture of Locke
Registered: November 05, 2004
Posts: 20
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My perfect world is one where I am ruler.
Loved, accepted.
My perfect language is one that doesn't make sense,
but does.
My perfect home is one where I am safe.
Secure and happy.
My perfect pet is one that doesn't frustrate me,
but obeys.
My perfect vehicle is one that gets me quickly,
where I need to be.
My perfect wife is one with beauty,
outside and in.
My perfect hobby is one that is relaxing, peaceful.
My perfect future is one with guaranteed success.
My perfect past is one where bad things are forgotten,
good things remembered.
My perfect life is one,
inside my perfect world.
Picture of risika2004
Registered: April 03, 2004
Posts: 6560
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Well done Locke. I like very much.


The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. - Robert Bloch
Picture of depressedwavemaster
Registered: June 09, 2003
Posts: 5084
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I like the last two lines. It's a very idealistic poem.


None of us can ever be free while others are still in chains. -Leslie Feinberg
Picture of madpuffinkeeper
Registered: July 03, 2003
Posts: 1741
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I have two criticisms:

1. It's a little too repetitive. With all the "My perfect.."'s and "... is one..."'s. I would personally keep the "my perfect"'s and cut out the "is one"'s. Make the verses less passive (e.g. Instead of "My perfect pet is one that doesn't frustrate me..." say "My perfect pet doesn't frustrate me..." and so on).

2. Some of the words are rather vague and overused. Safe, happy, quickly, beauty, peaceful, bad, good, etc. Less common and more specific words would give your writing more flair.

The choice of "frustrated" in the fourth verse, for example, was good, because frustrated is a more specific word for being angry. So I would suggest that you find similar words to substitute for the vague "happy", "bad", "good", etc.

Take my advice with a grain of salt, however. I am not a writer of poetry. I speak to you only as a reader, telling you what I would like to read.


Picture of Karategirl28
Registered: February 18, 2004
Posts: 3177
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i like this one Smile
contradictions are fun!


Hope for the best and expect the worst............take whatever life throws at you...
Picture of iamastar
Registered: June 22, 2004
Posts: 2343
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Big Grin That was really good.


I have not yet reached my goal, and I am not perfect. But Christ has taken hold of me. So I keep on running and struggling to take hold of the prize. My friends, I don't feel that I have already arrived. But I forget what is behind, and I struggle for wha
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