OKay, so this is a story i am starting to like.
Let me know what you think!
I hope you enjoy!


Mad

Intro:

It was the first day of the summer, and I was awakened by the loud screeching sound of my alarm clock. What a great way to start my day!
“You have got to be kidding me, 7:00am!?!?!” I mumbled to myself as I looked over at my clock. “God, she is such a freaking pansy.” I said as I forced myself out of my bed to figure out why my mom had set my alarm clock to 7:00am, on a summer morning! I ran down the stairs in my hot pink “Tuesday” undies, and my fluorescent green church tee, in search of my crazy mom.
As I made my way to the kitchen, I found her! There she was, sitting at the table drinking her coffee; I am guessing it was her fifth cup. My mom is, well, lets just say different from most moms. She is an artist, and paints the most DISGUSTING things ever; she is obsessed with painting people-having sex! It is so weird! I mean, once I think about it, everything about my mom is weird! She has frizzy, out-of-control, bright orange hair, and dresses like she should be on What Not to Wear. And, ever since my dad left her three years ago, she’s been acting strange, stranger than usual (which is pretty strange)! Let’s just say that I, Madeline “Mad” Gilson, have a very interesting life that is full of surprises, because my mom is the notorious, famous, “sex-obsessed” artist. How embarrassing is that!?

quote:

but i copy and pasted it from a word doc, and for some reason it made the paragraphs come together. but they were in paragraphs before.

Most forums don't recognize indentations, so it's something you have to remember to do when pasting on a forum.

alrighty, yeah after i posted this i found a lot of errors.

but i copy and pasted it from a word doc, and for some reason it made the paragraphs come together. but they were in paragraphs before.

thankss!!

Constructive Criticism:
1. Re-evaluate your use of exclamation points. You don't need that many and it will flow better when your reader doesn't want to yell at the end of every sentence. Also, we get her annoyance/outrage/surprise/craziness/everything else that you are conveying with the use of the excess exclamation points and punctuation, so you don't need to re-show us every few lines.

2. Take out the "said" after "pansy." She's already mumbling and unless it's another person inside her speaking, we don't need to be told again that she's speaking.

3. This is just a technical thing for posting on message boards, but can you put spaces between paragraphs? It'll help the reader out.