Sometimes when I lay awake in bed at night, and think about how other people, people that I care about, and people that I don't, can sleep normally, on a regular schedule, and they are asleep now... I'd give anything to not be in bed alone begging whoever is listening to let me get some sleep so I can get through the next day like a normal human being. You sleep, I don't. You wake up normal, live your life, call it a day and then wake up and give it another shot. I wake up normal, live my life, call it a day and then can't and my personality falls in on itself, coping mechanisms grinding to a halt, the only certainty that the longer I don't sleep, the more disjointed I will become.

A person isn't supposed to feel this isolated and fragmented in his own country. Let him go and be f'd-up someplace else. If you ping pong around enough, eventually you might find a compatible culture. Or maybe you'll jar something deep inside, and the cogs will rearrange, re-imprint, and you're different and you can live without moments like these.

Last night I had the nightmares again. The night before I f'd a stranger so that they'd stop, and she was, as they always are, unnerved by my eyes. The tears from which flow backwards to rot in my brain, producing sleep disturbances like this, waking one. Sometimes it can help, though, to sleep with someone. She wasn't one of those.

I think that thoughts like these seem more appropriate when you have put yourself in an extremely difficult situation. Like say... having to adapt to a culture that is not yours, in a place that is not safe, where you know no one. Those are good reasons not to sleep, and although I bring myself with me, I find me a much more rational travelmate in those circumstances. I'd rather live my life like that, than like this: a 5 mile ride up and down hills and still I can't sleep. I know those hills because I've been on them everyday for the last five years. The hills other places are unknown to me. Pain all too familiar becomes interesting, its mangled edges sweet even, if it is new and unfamiliar. Lop a man's finger off, and he'll probably remember that as a terrible experience for the rest of his life. Lop a man's finger off in Tahiti, and the memory will contain pleasant aspects.

Also foreign vagina is ver', ver' nice.

i hate sleeping and i hate waking up even more, i would do almost anything to get away from it

I have seriously adapted to ridiculously unorthodox sleeping hours. Last year I was always procrastinating on tons of homework, and I was always tired and falling asleep...this year, my body has literally adapted to that situation so now I require less sleep and I can go a long time without sleeping without being very tired. For example, in the last three days, I have gotten 2 hours of sleep or less per night, plus two one hour naps. It also affects one's eating schedule...since you're hungry and eat meals at 3am, and 9:30 instead of traditional breakfast/lunch/dinner. It sounds bad...and it kinda is. I haven't gotten more than 6 hours of sleep on a weeknight for over a year. I'd say I average 4 a night in the past month.

I went to bed at 12 twice, once on a monday night, and once the day after. I felt physically different...my brain felt better. It's weird how much better I felt, it was like being drugged up.