Deep, bs, deep...

I know you always don't get feedback, but I could use some help on the one I posted below. I know there's something wrong with it, and I like certain sections, but others just sound dumb. Could one of y'all read through it and tell me? I'm never happy with my work. I'll never be done with a poem because I'll just keep thinking there's something wrong with it. Geez, I sound so formal.

Wavemaster: You're back. Maybe you'll have a poem later.

quote:

Originally posted by Greenleaf771:
Worth, I love it. Short, but the rythm and subject is very interesting. You've saved me from joey and BS's (hahahaha) mindless banter.

quote:

Originally posted by Karategirl28:
I like your poem Worth.

Thanks, guys! Hearts to you.

If you click back you'll find two more that I like better called "Algebra (Eavesdropping)" and "Love is Immortal." The latter is my personal fave.

Click here for more stuff I've written.

I don't have a poem right now? Ack!

Night
Once upon a dreary night
As I sit here wide awake
I listen to the outside world
As the trees sway to the breeze
I strain to here the familiar voice
That lurks apon this empty house
As the crickets croak
I feel the warmth of your touch
I turn to look for you
But your nowhere in sight
I feel the tenderness of your lips
Against my stone cold cheek
But my eyes can’t find yours
Then I hear your voice
But then it disappears
When I strain to hear it
I get up to search for you
Hoping I may find you
As I pad down the creaky stairs
I get a sudden chill
But when I reach the bottom
I feel all warm again
For now I know you’re always with me.


Sounds
The sound of continuous breathing
The sound of the wind against the house
The sound of the thunder rolling by
The sound of a sad child
Whose only dreams are to be happy

As the storm echoes through my room
I dream of the possibilities
My memories are all I have
To take each breath I take
My hopes have been shattered
Broken and never to be again

Here alone in the dark
I remember what happened
Memories flash by
Of good and bad
While they sleep on through
I lay awake
Hoping hopeless thoughts

The sounds of the rain
Pelting on my window
It is so peaceful
Yet I still hurt
From the sounds of yelling
To the sounds of crying
Helpless I remain
To the sounds I am hearing


The garden
I lay here in the garden
And watch the plants grow
Everyone says you can’t
But I have watched them
People say so much
Without actually knowing
They just don’t understand
How I feel or what I do
The emotions I go through
They are so amazing
That the simple-minded ones
Can’t even begin to understand
What I feel when I am who I am


i love writing and hope you guys like my poems and i have many more.

Another poem from the tortured mind of an artiste.

Green
Family
Pool
Car
Green

Go to my deviantART at http://verticalxlimit.deviantart.com/

In addition to my digital art, I've got one poem posted which I wrote for class.

quote:

Originally posted by Finchmiester:
Mine were honest-to-God poems, and I didn't get any feedback...

Spelling better might help


Also, don't always expect comments, they don't always happen.

I like your poem Worth.

Mine were honest-to-God poems, and I didn't get any feedback...

BS, it was interesting, I just find it hard to take you seriously.

I thought it was interesting, though I'm not one to critique poetry.

So I don't get honest feedback? Thanks a lot you jerks.

Worth, I love it. Short, but the rythm and subject is very interesting. You've saved me from joey and BS's (hahahaha) mindless banter.

Wish granted.

"Crazy Wordage"

It is extremely gratuitous
How you use all those
Grandiloquent words.

It makes sense that
You would be infatuated
With the quixotic nature.

It is strange that
You would have an insatiable
Desire to exacerbate them.

Language is your forte.

Somebody post an honest-to-God poem, please. This is ridiculous. They're just trying to tick us off. Unless, of course, I greatly misinterpretred the whole little exchange.

Bushsupporter, have you ever considered composing a book of that poem and others you have written? If so, I see a Pulitzer Prize in your future.

I proclaim you a fun-sucker.

Please tell me what you think of mine.

Darkness uplifting down wieght purple upside-down.

I have a couple poems...tell me what you think...

WISHING TO BE GONE

Slowly slipping away
Never to be heard from again
Thankful when this all ends
The walls are covered in spikes
Watching as they slowly enclose
Saying my last prayers
I can feel the coldness
As the steel touches my skin
Waiting
Then it stops
Right before piercing my heart
You save me


PRESENCE OF DIEING SOLES

Living in the presence
Of dieing soles
Only to be forgotten
Wishing to be free
Of these corpsey skeletons
Clinging to my body
A blood-curdling scream
Echoes through these
Walls of doom
Ever closing
Never stopping
Always trapping
Will this never end