The best poems are simplistic in nature but analytically comprehensive:

"Is that for me?
Your pardons reek of roses
Which have burst with radiance.
Not for me, I see
And not for you, either."

quote:

Originally posted by Jenos:
I am not being defensive, all works of literature need revision, even my poems, which are a few pages back. But your attitude was not that of simply suggestion, you said that the poem needed punctuation, which is entirely different.

Seeing that the comments came from me, thus makin it my opinion, I do not see how they are not considered suggestions. You are not forced to take any of my comments/suggestions into consideration. How is it entirely different? And what is the problem here?

And you know the author did not intentionally include punctuation because?

quote:

Originally posted by Jenos:
Writing poetry contains the freedom to include or exclude punctuation at the author's will.

I completely agree with you. However, sometimes there are just some places that need punctuation not because the author left it out purposely but had forgotten.

Writing poetry contains the freedom to include or exclude punctuation at the author's will.

quote:

Originally posted by Jenos:

quote:

What a way to be crude. And poetry doesn't have to have perfect punctuation, it is a poem. Not a paragraph.

That is what makes it poetry.

The lack of punctuation makes it poetry?

quote:

What a way to be crude. And poetry doesn't have to have perfect punctuation, it is a poem. Not a paragraph.

That is what makes it poetry.

quote:

Originally posted by risika2004:
Shadow

Sunken cheek bones, standing gaunt
Blue veins shone through ivory sheen
Revenant, lonely, hollow, looming haunt
Splendor immortal from crism weaned
He stares at the heavens and thinks of gods
Drunk from the deathbed, a disturbed one himself
Praying just a little on his ancient knees
Prostate and frozen, he plans and prods
Caught between eras, facing alone
Poor angel of death without an Eden, white-faced wretch
Living a fairy tale for so long now, he may become stone
Ingesting the life breath like a lutton and a heart he must fetch
Wandering wonder-beast, an enigma, at best
A crisp crackle of dew mists evaportate into the sky
This plethora of sins consecrate Pallid never to die
Murdering eternal a servant of Death.

Praises to you. A job well done. I very much enjoyed it. However, place more punctuation in your poem ... such as the periods to end a thought. And then re-read and do some small twiking. Otherwise I think it's an overall good piece of poetry.

quote:

Originally posted by JustSoSweet:
I enjoyed the imagery and basic idea of this poem, however I've pointed out some things below:

quote:

Originally posted by depressedwavemaster:

A Day in the Orchard

The sun was shining (cliche)
In the copse of apple trees,
And the glittering rays (cliche)
shown through your eyes
They were brown and gold,
As the autumn breese,
Yet here we sit
Deep in springtime

The wind blew through,
The apple trees, change it to a period
And here I sit,
Gazing into your soul,
And the sunlight
Took hold of my sleeve
And made my heart
Freeze in fear, in cold (What's going on here? The sunlight took hold of your sleeve and made your heart cold? A bit confused...please explain.)

The sun was shining
Through the whispering trees, (cliche)
And the shining beams
Caught your smile fair
And the shadows shifted
Across your soul free, (What do you mean by "free"?)
And I wished in your beauty,
I could share (share what in her beauty??)

The darkness moved (Where did the darkness come from in the first place? You seem to have skipped some information.)
Away through the trees, (It moved away THROUGH the trees? that doesn't really make sense.
And revealed
Your beauty fey(.)
And in the glittering light (cliche)
In your eyes that see, (This seems very out of place. Of course her eyes can see. )
Seem so beautiful
To me today (Fix your ending...it's too blunt and elementary)

You have way too much repetition of And's, My's, Your's, and sunlight's. You also have many punctuation errors; mostly lacking periods. Some parts do not flow well and other parts are choppy. Re-read and revise.

I enjoyed the imagery and basic idea of this poem, however I've pointed out some things below:

quote:

Originally posted by depressedwavemaster:

A Day in the Orchard

The sun was shining (cliche)
In the copse of apple trees,
And the glittering rays (cliche)
shown through your eyes
They were brown and gold,
As the autumn breese,
Yet here we sit
Deep in springtime

The wind blew through,
The apple trees, change it to a period
And here I sit,
Gazing into your soul,
And the sunlight
Took hold of my sleeve
And made my heart
Freeze in fear, in cold (What's going on here? The sunlight took hold of your sleeve and made your heart cold? A bit confused...please explain.)

The sun was shining
Through the whispering trees, (cliche)
And the shining beams
Caught your smile fair
And the shadows shifted
Across your soul free, (What do you mean by "free"?)
And I wished in your beauty,
I could share (share what in her beauty??)

The darkness moved (Where did the darkness come from in the first place? You seem to have skipped some information.)
Away through the trees, (It moved away THROUGH the trees? that doesn't really make sense.
And revealed
Your beauty fey(.)
And in the glittering light (cliche)
In your eyes that see, (This seems very out of place. Of course her eyes can see. )
Seem so beautiful
To me today (Fix your ending...it's too blunt and elementary)

You have way too much repetition of Ands and punctuation mistakes. Some parts do not flow well and other parts are choppy. Re-read and revise.

quote:

Jamaica, they were okay. I tend to stay away from asking a lot of questions in my poetry.

thanks! It's ok though... Poetry for me is where I ask questions as well as the telling of my innermost feelings.

Peace, I liked it.

Sunset, very good, your poems never cease to amaze me.

peace: that was pretty good.

Sun, that was really good, and sad.

Jamaica, they were okay. I tend to stay away from asking a lot of questions in my poetry.

Hey Sun... I do love your "alcoholic face" poem.. It is very emotional!

Another one of my crappy poems, that I used for ranting purposes.

Alcoholic Face


The pain you still put me through
The pain you brought back up
The pain that I feel when I look into your blood shot eyes
The pain of an alcoholic
Staring right in my eyes
Yelling slurred words
Not understanding the marks you leave
The marks that scar my body
The marks that you leave in anger
Or the marks you leave with your words

Numb
Not feeling the pain
Not feeling the blood that drips down my arms
Or the pain of the black and faded bruises on my legs
Or the burning of that hand print
Sprawled across my pale face

Running
Running from the pain
The pain that you say I caused
That brought you to lift up the glass
Of your drunken fate

No matter how many times you say you're sorry
That you're sorry you strangled me the night before
I still don't believe it
But I come back for more

The tears running down my face
As I cry myself to sleep
The sleep that I wish would last forever
So I would never have to suffer again.
-Sunset

Rocking
Rocking back and forth in my imaginary chair,
into a wretching slience and in darkness do I stare,
clutching all my broken dreams for which I used to care,
rocking back and forth in my imaginary chair.

Ever Green

Bright needles against a sunfilled sky
Dim darkly in the wood,
In a clearing of evergreen,
The sunlight filters through the hood
A single tree, a single tree,
Shines brightly in the light,
Green needles turning golden
Someplace where there is no light
Step through the eaves, the wall of green,
Into the damp secrets mossy boughs bear
And listen to the whisper nigh
In soft secrets do you share
Through the wall of needles dry
The wood turns into the trees
And every tall pine or cedar
Have each personality
Now the needles are shining red,
As the haze drifts into the air,
Deep within the evergreens
You feel the peaceful springtime near


A Day in the Orchard

The sun was shining
In the copse of apple trees,
And the glittering rays
shown through your eyes
They were brown and gold,
As the autumn breese,
Yet here we sit
Deep in springtime

The wind blew through,
The apple trees,
And here I sit,
Gazing into your soul,
And the sunlight
Took hold of my sleeve
And made my heart
Freeze in fear, in cold

The sun was shining
Through the whispering trees,
And the shining beams
Caught your smile fair
And the shadows shifted
Across your soul free,
And I wished in your beauty,
I could share

The darkness moved
Away through the trees,
And revealed
Your beauty fey
And in the glittering light
In your eyes that see,
Seem so beautiful
To me today

this is something i wrote last week. i guess you could call it a poem. i started typing an away message for IM, and i just kept writing until i felt like i had expressed a feeling. it's about the empty, lonely, "i miss the cast/show/rehersals" feeling and i have the week after a school play ends. this time the show was the school musical, "The Wiz". p.s. "Ease on down the road" is a song in the show, the wiz's equivilant to "follow the yellow brick road" in the wizard of oz.

easin' on down the road of life
i knew it had to end
it gave me a reason to want to come to school
and now its over
back to the daily grind
easin' on down the road of life
all good things come to an end
sometimes too soon
easin' on down the road of life
is easier now
because that show gave me things
i've never had before.
now it's over, time to move on
keep easin' on down that road
but now there's a hole in my heart.

i'm not much of a poet. that just sort of came out when i started writing.

Take your time