Unwanted Child

My mother had a chemical imbalance. Most mothers are supposed to love there babies, especially when they carry them. I was a threat to my mother, she just knew I was going to kill her during birth, and he decided it was either me or her. My father came home and found her stabbing her stomach with needles trying to kill me. . .
He took her to the hospital and I was born by C-section November 23 1985.
When the nurse tried to hand me over to my mom, my mom tried to throw me down, but the nurse caught me. My mom was institutionalized after that.

My Grandmother came and took care of me in Germany (My dad was in the army) until I was 3 and then went back to America. My dad put me in a day care.

Day care

Miss. Hogan didn’t like me. . . I don’t know why she just didn’t. She would always tell the kids, “Don’t run! Please be quite.” But not me. Whenever I started to play with the other kids, I would get excited and yell or run around or something. When Miss. Hogan saw me she wouldn’t say a word she just grabbed my arm and took me into her office. I don’t remember anything really. But when I would come him, I would have bruises on me. Miss. Hogan said it was because I was playing too rough. I started alienating myself from the other kids in fear of being beaten again. This didn’t work, Miss. Hogan still found a reason, like my shoes were untied. One day she put out a cigarette on my neck, .. Then another, and another. I had 5 burns on my body when I came home. To this day I still can’t function well with people.

When I was 3-4

My first babysitter was a Guy named Bill. He was the son of a friend to my father, and a secret homosexual and drug addict. Bill’s boyfriend Michael would come over and they would have oral sex right in front of me and in some cases forcing me to watch. One day when Bill and Mike were high, they thought of a good way to make some money. They raped me and took some Polaroids. I still have trouble sleeping because of this. My innocents was sold on the street $200 a photo. And then shot into there arms. They [My and Bill's Parntes] didn’t know this was happening until it happened again. When Bill's dad saw the photos for himself. They told me nothing was wrong with me. It wasn’t my fault. I just didn’t understand why no one liked me. . . and the only ones who I thought did, were doing these things I didn't understand. . . why couldn't I just be normal? And I never would be.

I felt like people were staring at me all the time. They though I was nasty and strange. I can’t look people in the eyes anymore unless I force myself.


That was the first 5 years of my life.
I’ll tell you more later.

how do you survive everyday?
Lauren

man, i believe in god, but i don't, can't, force anyone to believe. i'll pray for if you believe in God or not. e-mail me if ya wanna talk.
Lauren

dang, hope you're life gets better.
Lauren

Futility101- Sorry if your names not right... But anyway. How would you know? There are places like that DON'T get shut down. There's thousands of them. Just to let you know. And yes. Some re-habs are like that. It just depends what you are in there for. And I'm sick of people not believing other people... It's sad. Other people open up & ask for help & people don't believe them. It makes things worse.
-JM

quote:

---

Uh, Korith... I don't know about the rest of your story, but I know the rehab part was a lie. Rehab is not like that. Their goal is to teach you that there are better things than drugs, and that you don't need drugs to be happy. As is expected, anything involving drugs is checked over regularly by authorities, and if a rehab was like that it would get shut down. I'm sorry, but I just can't believe you.

---

Underage with a drug problem in Alabama. you are the lowest of the low. And i was a Trouble maker in there.

My dad looked into pressing charges but i wouldn't let him.

The center I went was shut down due to lack of funding about year after I got out.

There were 13 suicides and 34 attempts in total.

Uh, Korith... I don't know about the rest of your story, but I know the rehab part was a lie. Rehab is not like that. Their goal is to teach you that there are better things than drugs, and that you don't need drugs to be happy. As is expected, anything involving drugs is checked over regularly by authorities, and if a rehab was like that it would get shut down. I'm sorry, but I just can't believe you.

Tweet- Still... It makes me sad to see people cry... It makes me feel bad! :hugs Tweet back:
-JM

Don't worry, I cry all the time. My friends tease me about my "emotional outbursts." Its ok. Really. ::Hug::

Korith- Please don't tell me your story is going to get worse? I thought my problems were bad...
I hope everything is better for you. Hang in there. IM me if you want to talk or need help, ok?
:Gives Korith a hug:

Tweet- I made you cry, I don't like seeing people cry... Please don't cry! I'm sorry! I shouldn't have said anything! :sits in corner wishing I would disappear.:
-JM

Day 1: This day set the course. I woke up at about 9’ and had my fist (and finial) craving at 9:01. If you have never been addicted you couldn’t understand. That anxiety, the nervousness the frustration, the restlessness. And it only gets worse by the second. You start to sweat, your vision starts blurring, you can’t concentrate on anything.

I didn’t eat the wonderful scrambled eggs and Kool-Aid they made for me. They said if I skipped my next meal then I’ll be jacketed and IV-ed.

Day 2: I didn’t sleep that night. At about 7 pm yesterday was the first time in about 2 years I went 24 hours without a booster. My parents came to Visit today. They stayed just long enough to say they won’t be staying or coming back. Without my drugs I had nothing to comfort me…. This is the first time I can ever really remember crying over my parents alienating me.

Day 3: It get colder ever second. I hadn’t seen daylight in forever. Sure I had a window, but it was under a storm cover and the plastic was tented and scratched. All I could see from out side was when it was bright enough the green from the grass reflected from the roof.

I have vomited earlier in my cell… when the cleaning lady came in I accidentally drop my 2 pound aluminum lunch tray on her head. They said I’ll just have to live in it.

Today also was the first day a man named Ken Barton came to visit me. This guys voice sounded like Kermit the Frog who inhaled helium and then got his balls slammed in a door. He came in to tell me about “god”

He said. “Doug your nothing more then a drug thug, pill pushing piece of trash, why don’t you grow up?! You’ve tried everything else, try god.:

I swore at him up one side and down the other… the nerve of this man… I didn’t even invite him in…

On his way out he just said, “why don’t you grow up?!”

Day 4: I began to hallucinate. I though people were hiding under my bed, and that a tree branch was in my window. When I yelled for help the guards just laughed and mocked me.

Ken came back today, much to my surprise. First thing he said . “Doug your nothing more then a drug thug, pill pushing piece of trash, why don’t you grow up?! You’ve tried everything else, try god.”

I went to hit him be he knew how weak I was and just light pushed my chest and I fell on my cot. Yelling as loud as I could I ordered him out of my Pink padded vomit covered cell.

All he said as he left was “Grow up, just grow up why don’t you?! You tried everything else try god!”

Day 5: I began drinking my sweat, I though by doing this I could get back some of the drug that were in my body. . . There was so much vomit in my cell it was hard to breathe.

Ken came when I was asleep with a fresh sheet he stole. I told him thanks, he told me I needed to grow up and try god.

I said “Man what is it with you? I don’t want you damned god! Look where he’s lead me!”
He said “No Doug, Drug lead you here. God will lead you out.”
With that he just left and as usual he told me to grow up, and try god.

…Well. I'm humbled…

You're very brave.

Bex

Oh man...Korith that is a really sad story. I'm sorry about everything. You made me realize that all that crap I've been stressing about really isn't nothing at all compared to the stuff you've been through. Thank you...

I made you cry Tweet?

Bye n have a nice day

You guys made me cry.

All of a sudden my problems Ive been stressing over seem very petty.

I love you all! I may not be able to relate but Im always willing to listen if anyone wants to talk. My sn is Tweet30346.

one step at a time? only in my journal. poems. if you read my poems, then youll find out a little more about me.

Okay! One step at a time sound good! However, the last time that I tried to tell anyone about my story, something bad happen and well I am scared now. So I bottled it up and decided not to open up again but now I can't even open up even to those that I want to trust.

I get in a lot of arguements over this. Screaming at me won't help me open up though.

Bye n Have a nice day

Congratulations for overcoming all of that.

I have a point to my story.

And If you ever do deside to tell your story and you don't think you can do it all, do like me and tell it 1 step at a time.

Korith, how do you do it? I mean how do you open up like that? How do you have the guts to tell your story?

Bye N have a nice day