If you could talk to the "you" from 10 years ago...what would you say?

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Dear Us,
Don't seek for the secrets of our past. What you wish to find, won't be what you thought. Shove your memories away, like you are doing now. Keep it up. Do not pursue God. He will let you fall again, and he will not be there, not like he has always promised. Listen to the voices of madness, and be consumed by them; they'll just get you later on, why not sooner than later? It will be less painful along the way. Do they say madness is bliss, insanity is good? It's painful, we know that, but not as painful as being presented with the truth every day. Why not be tortured in our mind than have to look at who we are, what we are. Don't seek the past. It will drive you deeper into Hell than you've ever been before.

God, sweep, go and make me cry, why don't you. But then, I am just overly emotional.

P.S. IG, you need to work on that.
-M.

quote:

Originally posted by invisiblegirl:
I know that all you want is to hear that someone loves you. Don’t stop dreaming. It’s all you’ve got.

Meg, you do have people who love you. i can think of two right now.

Dear IG,

I miss the little girl you used to be. I miss the sparkle in your eyes and the way you always laughed and smiled. I miss the exuberant little child you once were, and I hate the withdrawn, tired, and sad teenage girl you have become. I don’t know when your eyes lost that sparkle, but I wish you would work on getting it back.

Truth and lies were so simple when you were little, I know. If it happened, it was true, if not, it was a lie. I don’t like the lies you tell me, the lies you have convinced me to believe are true. Go back to that day you got your new Easter dress, when you were seven. Go back to the exact moment when you stood in the backyard, spinning in circles. Remember how beautiful you felt then. Couldn’t you try to bring back that feeling?

I don’t know if you will take the time to listen to me. Sometimes, I don’t think you really care anyway. I know life seems empty right now. But sometimes, you just have to focus on what you have and not what you have lost.

I don’t know how many times it will take you to get this through your head, but what happened was not your fault. There was absolutely nothing you could have done to change what is already done. You can make your choices. You can’t make anyone else’s. It hurts, I know. But you can’t take it out on yourself.

When I see all the cuts and scars on your arms I can see that it is a visual representation of how much you hate yourself. Please stop doing that. You have friends who care about you, you have better coping mechanisms. If you were really smart you’d just throw away the razorblades, but you’re not always the brightest thing ever.

And for the love of God, IG, I wish you would just rip off that mask you always wear at home. Let them see who you really are. There is absolutely no point in cranking out those fake smiles, day after day. And even though something bad has happened, you can’t just shut yourself up in your closet, away from the world. There’s still good things out there.

Staying alive is awful hard, I know. And I know you don’t want to do it. Trust me, I know. I know that all you want is to hear that someone loves you. Don’t stop dreaming. It’s all you’ve got.

Love,
Meg

Dear Mia,

It's been a while since you've written anything and it's jut plain pathetic. Weren't you the one who said you just had to be a writer? Wasn't that the one thing you were good at it? So what happened? You wrote one good poem in 9th grade and it ended horribly, so now you just don't even try? That's bullshit. You remember that great feeling you get when you just let yourself pour onto the paper and get it all out, you remember the phases you go through and the transition between emptiness and completion. You should write more. Even if it's complete crap, write that story in your head and move on so that it stops haunting you. Write it and get it out, or you'll screw yourself up and end up one of your characters.

There's a lot of stuff you need to let go of. For starters, there's that weird awkwardness you've been carrying around with you since, what, 6th grade? It's just resting somewhere between your shoulders wearing you down and you really don't need it anymore. It's crushing you; you're getting more and more compressed every second, and every day there's less of you. What would be so wrong with letting people know you enough to reject you? Living inside this weird bubble can't be much better.

And yes, you have friends. It's not like you're an outcast, but that's no thanks to you. You keep casting yourself out. You've been blessed with some really amazing people who care about you, and you never care about them. You never call them or worry about them and you're letting yourself drift away from the only people you've ever been able to get closed to. Just quit it, it's not working. There are always going to be people around you and you've got to learn how to deal with them. If they hate you, screw them, but if you don't let them know you then you're in no position to complain. It's this lax, apathetic attitude that's really fucking up your life.

Next problem is that you complicate things. If you want something, if you want to BE something, just be it. Don't wind yourself up into these little knots with doubt about things that you are sure of. You want to be a good person, be a good person. You want to be a good Muslim, be a good Muslim. Either way, just stop whining about it.

I like you Mia, but at this point you're very hard to like. Can you just try to work on that?

Write soon.

Sphinx

Dear Daf,
You always try do help your friends with their problems but smt you have to think of your self too.
You dont have to listen to your teachers all the time.They are nothing more than some normal people that try to make some money.They are not smarter or better than other people.
Expess yourself to your friends and talk with them about your problems.Maybe, if you dont want to talk to all of them talk only to your best friend(you know who she is)that understands you and is always on your side!!
love,
daf

Dear Triss,

So I’m sure you got my letter, I’m just wondering if you read it, did you instead notice it was I who wrote it, and didn’t bother to read, but then again you did write back so I guess you did… Or is it that you read it and took nothing of it to heart?

I’m very disappointed in you actually, you’re slacking, getting depressed again, you’ve got to get out of this. I know you’re not sleeping right, in your letter you explained to me that. I’m sorry, I really am, but you got to get help or something you can’t keep living like this.

And as for your dreams, yes I’d say they’re a bit weird. I’m sorry that things from your childhood keep popping back up. You wrote to me about sitting on your uncles couch, watching TV in that little run down trailer that smelled like mold, The over powering colour of dirty pink and white paneling that you remember so vividly. I know you miss him, even though as you got older you got confused when you found out he escape from prison in the US for killing someone. People kind of look down on him, and are surprised you spent so much time with him, but still those were the happiest memories of your childhood, riding in the wheel barrow picking huckleberries to make jam. You loved him.. he helped you escape, helped you be a kid… and you were hurt when he left to go back on the run…

He wasn’t blood related, he was married to your Dad’s oldest sister. She use to watch you on the many occasions that your parents disappeared. She was always so frail, and you hated it when you weren’t allowed to go visit her. It wasn’t till you were once again older that you found out she was into heroin, that’s why you couldn’t always go over, and why sometimes things were so confusing. You were so young, and you saw so many things that didn’t make sense as a child, and now that you’re older, they’re like scars that never go away.

Girl, you got to stop thinking so much. I know you’re confused about your childhood, why you ended up in a foster home for months all through it, knowing at 6 that you were staying in a home with a guy that raped his sister (The fact that you knew what rape was at that age), and then being scared of him, and what could happen, I know these are things are hard to deal with but you just got to except it happened, no matter how emotionally scaring it was, and move on from. Don’t let them get you down…

Yeah I know you’re struggling with a lot, but please, re read my last letter, I put my heart into it I love you girl. Please Take Care…

Love you,

Trisscar

Dear veg,
Go easy on your family. They are trying to do good even if they are failing. Remember not to be so stuck-up and care about sum1 else once and awhile. You dont need to brag about everything. If i werent you, i couldnt stand you. You are lucky to have your friends. Keep them close and dont screw it up. Try not complaining every word you say-and remember not to be closed minded about anything
Marz

Dear Kharybdis,

Stop being a fuckup. You're goddamn fat, for one. For the past year you've been struck by an unusual dichotomy; in the mirror, half of the time you think you look okay. You might not look good, but you won't send women and children running in the other direction as soon as they see your face. The other half of the time, you're a fat fuck filled with justified self-loathing. In the camera lens you're always the latter. Guess which one matches reality? You realize this and then you're all filled with piss and vinegar (and self-loathing), ready to take on the world and lose seventy pounds in the process. Once the disgust with yourself wears off (roughly half an hour), you return to ennui. If you're going to lose weight, you need to learn to hate yourself, or at least what you've allowed yourself to become. Self-loathing is the only thing that really makes you motivated, so you need to harness that hatred. You need to start going to the gym, you fat fuck. One hour each morning, five days a week. Wake up at 5:30, hit the gym when they open at 6:00, work out until 7:00, shower, get ready for class/work, and get to where you're going by 8:00. You apparently don't have the willpower to change your diet yet, so instead of removing something from your life, add something. Add exercise. You've discussed this with yourself before, so do it already.

And get out of this ennui already. Every day it's wake up, get on the computer, maybe watch a little TV, and repeat until you go to bed. It's not just a rut; it's a pathetic and absolutely worthless rut to be in. Neither is the least bit productive. You have shelves full of books that you could read; why don't you do something useful? You waste your entire day refreshing forums, waiting for new threads to read. What's the point in that? Half of the time they're not even interesting or entertaining; they're just filler to kill the empty hours of your empty life. You know you find media and theories about it really damned interesting, so why don't you read a few of the books you have about it? That'd be productive at least.

Your life since middle school has been a series of dull gray years, marked by nothing but ennui, general malaise, and uniform uselessness. And friendlessness, but at least you've gotten used to that by now. I think you need to find reasons to start liking yourself before you start concerning yourself with others, though. But hey, at least you realize what a social fuckup you've been until recently. You were socially retarded, and that's really not much of an exaggeration. Your job at the writing center has been helping you develop people skills though, so maybe in a semester or two you'll actually be on par with the rest of the human race in terms of interpersonal skills. Once you get that shit together maybe you'll find out about this "friend" thing that other people talk about.

You're starting to maybe get on the right track. Try not to screw it up.

Kharybdis

Dear Cap,

You're always trying. Trying to fit in; trying to impress them. You want to be different, and yet every day you find yourself trying to so hard not to. It's okay to be different, you already know that. You want that, but it's hard for you. Stop trying so hard to fit in, because you already know you don't want to be like those assholes.

Every time you're out in public you're nervous. You don't want to be around anyone else and you're afraid to be yourself. You stand out because you're white and you look down when you walk. You're too self-concious for your own good. You don't have to be worrying about such stupid things that nobody else but you notice. If your shirt and pants are two different shades of brown, so what?! Just fucking get over yourself.

What ever happened to that happy, worry-free little girl that you used to be? The one who didn't cry herself to sleep every night. The one who didn't spend all day thinking about the past and regretting everything she'd ever done. The one who smiled at almost anything. What happened to her? Now there's just a girl...who's too sad to give a fuck.

You need to learn to forgive and forget. The things that happened happened, there's nothing you can do about it now. Stop wasting your life obsessing over the past and continue living life. All you think is "Just make it through another day, another hour, another second." You think every little thing matters. You regret everything; what you did do, what you didn't, everything and anything. You don't need to be putting yourself through all this. Just chill.

Hope I helped.

<33 Love,

Michelle.

Dear Trisscar,

You always seem to be running. Never happy. I know this isn’t your fault, you’ve been through a lot. Through hardship and loneliness you have attempted to live your life with a smile, but behind that smile has always been the little girl who wants to cry but is still scared of the consequences and getting hurt for doing so.

You don’t understand why the world has treated you the way it has, why things have happened, why people treat you the way they do. You really just want to escape from the world, and be happy, but it seems the world keeps throwing you more baggage that you are expected to carry.
I know you hide the scars on you wrist and you hate it them, because to you it is a sign of weakness, of the inability to cope with what the world has thrown you. But you mustn’t be so hard on yourself, you have had to deal with a lot in your short life, things that many people will never have to face.

You are finally learning to realize your own will. It has taken years since it was broken to build it back up, and yet sometimes you fall back to old habits. Do not get discouraged, you have come a long way from the girl who couldn’t say no and flinched if anybody came close.

I know you hate pity. It is something you despise because it changes nothing. But don’t let yourself be too hard towards others, they are only trying to help and show that they care and I know you fear having people get close to you, because you’re tired of getting hurt, but sometimes you need to trust.

Yes, Trust is a huge thing for you, and you are trying to understand it. But you’re trust has been broken so many times that you don’t know how to trust. Remember though, that the world is hard, but that there are some good people out there, you just have to not give up hope, and find them.

Please don’t give up on the world, it can be a cold place as you well know, but you need to trudge through. Things can get better, but not if you stay down, you’ve been given a lot, and I know its not fair, but you need to work hard to get through it and make the best of your life. Remember its not what has happened to you in your life, but how your react to what has happened in your life. And please be nice to yourself.

And please girl, go have some fun for once. Do something you enjoy, stop doing everything for everybody else and realize that you have value as well.

I love you Girl,

Trisscar.

Dear Iamastar,
"Who are you and what have you done with that once precious little girl?," once voice says while another one screams, "I'm still here. Just look a little deeper. I'm just locked beneath all these chains."

You really let yourself go along time ago when mistrust was something you knew nothing of but took up an acquaintance with. Why couldn't you just have said something to mom when he made you feel like shit. Or why weren't you going to say something when he rubbed it in your face and didn't care?

That's when it really happened. One stone at a time around the vital part of the castle. He also taught you to not cry or talk of the pain or the worries or the hurt or of the sadness. To keep it bottled up was beautiful he said.

You didn't know that he was helping you build yourself a dungeon you could never escape from. You trusted him and loved him and adored him, but you stopped because he became someone else you didn't recognize. Someone who was dark and devious.

But you and your brother were always caught in the middle because ya'll were the kids and what are kids supposed to do when parents fought through their kids? He would have rather put you in juvenille hall because you didn't want to be there and she wanted an abortion.

The feeling of not being wanted was there before you found that out. It was just more evidence in the long run to isolate yourself. She tells you all the time she loves you and would miss you if you weren't here and how she doesn't know what she would do with out you. It even says so in all those cards for the different occassions that come up in life.

School was no better.

Dear Esmael,

I'm looking at you and I can see the scars and callouses already formed and hardening on your young face. You know something you don't want to face again, and I can see how it torments you. Don't hide it from the world; it will only make it harder later on. I know you feel incomplete, but know that whatever you are now, an in-between child, there is a chance that God might love you again. Tell your parents and your friends all your secrets; they will understand in time. Don't hold back for the sake of your sanity. Look around you. This world is not so alien and cold. There are still trees here; they haven't all dissapeared yet. There are still people who love you.

Remember how the wind would blow through the trees in your homeland? And the simple wyld feeling of peace as you saw the hawks flying above and the wolves running the fields around? You can find that peace again, if you just stand tall and stand strong. I know you can't remember half of this life, but that's alright. The past means too much to you anyway; you need to let go. The present shapes the future and the world around you, but you cannot take back the mistakes you've made.

I can see how your present situation tormens you, and I know that pain all too well. Remember this always: not every person will accept you as who you are. They won't take your word at face value. They will need to evaluate, to delve, and to get under your skin. But if a bit of skin gets torn off, it's alright. Your pride can re-grow.

Esmael, you're invincible. Never doubt yourself and never lose sight of what things really matter.

Don't count the feathers they tear off your back. You might have lost your wings, but your soul still remembers them. Everyone will tell you you shouldn't mask the true you for society, but they're wrong; don't listen. You have to mask the true you. You can't be safe if they know your soul. Smile at people. They'll like you more if you're nice to them. Your face falls into a frown. Why? Is there nothing beautiful in this world? You haven't lost everything yet. Isn't the snow beautiful when it falls? It reminds you of climbing to the top of a great tree and breaking through the canopy and just watching it descend, and returning below, to a snowless world, and it's almost like the feathers falling from the sky were your little secret. Isn't the way a person's eyes change beautiful? You watch every moment of their lives, even though you don't know it. The eyes sparkle, darken, laugh and mourn. That's beautiful in its own right.

If you stick to the shadows, the shadows will cling to you even in the light, and all you'll see is darkness. You'll blind yourself if you look at the sun, but isn't it beautiful when you do? Even for that one moment...

Don't give up on the world, yet. Not everyone will love you, but not everyone will hate you either, so don't you hate them. And remember, you're here for a reason. Love God, even if you go back to hell anyway. This might be a second chance for everything you've done wrong.

In the next life

Dear YouthVoice,

I look at you now and part of me doesn't recognize you. I remember the timid trembling girl who didn't want to be looked at or seen by anyone. You've always been quick to point out your own faults and your worst qualities. You looked at yourself in the mirror and hated the distorted image that stared back at you. You cried so many times and so many nights because you felt worthless and insecure.

I wish you'd known back then that though sometimes things don't go your way it is not the end. The disappointments, troubles and the challenges serve one good purpose; make you stronger. If there is one thing you have struggled with through out your life is your extreme sensitivity and your tendency to get too emotional. If you could only know that sometimes you should relax and let things take their course without fighting the process. Sometimes things are just not meant to be, and it is not your fault. There are times when things are just out of your reach and there is really nothing you can do to change it; let it be.

There was one thing you had going for you that I liked and that was your ability to see the good things in everyone and in every situation. What happened to that? I miss the way you looked at the world when you were younger. You were passionate about so many things, so many issues. It seems to me that now you have become selfish and self absorbed only thinking about yourself and your own problems. I wish you could remember the way you use to feel love for what was around you. Everyone gets disappointed at some point in their lives, don’t give up on people, and don’t give up on this world. Do you remember how you use to encourage others to fight depression and fight the dark thoughts that clouded their minds? Look at you now and listen to your own advice. Life can be beautiful and you know it but you have to dare to let go of your self pity and realize that things could be worst.

Back then you were so afraid to speak your mind for fear of hurting someone or for fear that what you had to say was not important; you were wrong. Freedom of speech is a right that should be exercised by everyone and you were not the exception. You could cause so much more pain when you keep from saying what you truly think and what you really feel. People will respect you more if you tell them what is on your mind, even if they don’t like what you have to say.

If there is one thing that you regret the most today is the things that you never did. If I could go back in time to when you were younger I would tell you one thing: dare to be bold. You feared that things would just not work out or that you would fail in the end. But what you didn’t realize is that though we fail many times in our lives we have the power and the strength to get up again and learn from our mistakes. There is nothing sadder and more frustrating then sit back and wonder “What if?” Life is full of chances and challenges; take them.

Finally, I will leave you with this that someone very dear to me told me once and that I believe to be true. “There is always room for improvement.” –H.N.B.

With much love,

YouthVoice

Dear Aguagon,

Now that you've wasted a good four years being an introspective moody bitch, maybe it's time to start a new chapter in your life. You're pretty much ready, I think. The need to overanalyze and subsequently obsess over every detail of your extended social life is melting away. The daily four page long diary rants have been on hiatus for a year and a half. And maybe, just maybe, you'll be able to talk to a cute girl this semester without assigning meaning to every little thing she does and movement she makes. Maybe you'll be able to--*gasp*--chill out.

You're a pretty likeable guy, honest. When you're with a small circle of friends, you're often the life of the party. It's only when you branch outside those circles and want to befriend strangers that the trouble hits. Even when you're playing things reasonably "cool" people can smell the fear on you twenty miles away. You become way too emotionally invested in the outcomes of ordinary conversations, and you always have. What you so often forget is that the only person judging every socially awkward move you make is you. You don't need the perfect joke at every second. You don't need the perfect comeback to everything said. Fucking relax.

Another thing to consider, Brian: when you spend half your life reflecting on what makes you happy, sad, excited, anxious, and afraid, you're not expriencing any of those emotions. You've gotten way better at just getting out there and living, and that's the best therapy there is. True happiness is not something you can think your way into. Tone down the reflection and turn down the emotional thermostat.

Also, man, there's nothing to be afraid of. Well, I take that back. There's plenty to be afraid of out there, but anxiety itself is a pretty lousy main source of fear. There've been a whole slew of panic attacks so far and there will be more to come--not much we can do about that, I'm afraid--but when you start to live in fear of them, they win. No more staying home because you're afraid of a panic attack on the plane. No more needing to have a charged cell phone when you're out in public to be able to relax. No more needing a sedative at arm's length when you're on a road trip. Obsessing over panic attacks breeds panic attacks. Do all you can to break the cycles.

While we're on the subject of fear, don't be afraid to contact people you've lost touch with. That's a biggie, and as you well know, there's a lot of them. Some of them you really like. As you know, losing a friend in a tragedy is terrible, but losing a friend at all is a tragedy. If you're never gonna talk to any of them again, they might as well have just died together in a plane crash.

Also, you're not dying of anything (duh). The headache is not a brain tumor, the occasional skipped heartbeat is not a sign your heart is failing, and when you feel like you can't take in a breath, you're not having a stroke, you're just hyperventilating again. You don't even have to start being idly concerned about this shit for another 30 years.

You're doing as well as ever (possibly better than ever) right now. Keep it up, and intensify it. Be calm, but be bold.

Your friend,
Brian

P.S. Congrats on finally getting over what's-her-name.

Dear Meagan,

I know how much you hate people telling you what to do. Trust me; I still know how you feel. Over the past several years, I have gleaned insight from life experiences, both positive and negative. I know you are stubborn as anything and will not listen to a word I say until you find yourself where I am today, but when I was younger, I would have killed for someone to give me advice such as this.

The world is not a happy place. When you live in the same sheltered city for your entire life, and when you have parents who are willing to give you the world, it is very easy to take certain things for granted. One day, you will open your eyes, realize that everything does not always play out like in a Disney movie, and you will need to accept that the world is not anywhere near perfect. This is the day that you will grow up and begin shaping yourself into the person you are meant to become.

Appreciate everything you have. Yes, I mean everything. You have two parents who would lay on train tracks for you. You have a little sister, someone who gets on your nerves all the time, but who is always on your side. You have no idea how special it is to have all four of your grandparents alive for so much of your life. You have had every opportunity given to you. You have never been deprived of anything. It is human nature to take these things for granted, and I know you will never be able to truly appreciate them until they are gone, or until you enter the real world and meet people who have not had the life you have had. Please try. I would hate for you to grow to be my age and never have realized just how blessed you truly are.

Seize every moment. Do not let fear be the guiding force in your life. I know how uncomfortable you can get in social situations and I know how difficult it is for you to walk away from your comfort circle. That is no excuse. You will miss out on so much in life if you do not start taking chances once in awhile. Your life will be filled with regret if you do not open your mind and your heart to new people and new experiences.

Remember to find the good in people. I know you have been hurt in life, but that is just something you are going to need to rise above. Everyone has obstacles in life; this is yours. It is okay to trust people; know that opening up to people and putting your heart on the line, while terrifying, is ultimately worth it.

Life is worth it. No matter what happens, no matter who hurts you, no matter how small and insignificant the world can make you feel…you matter. You will succeed in whatever you choose in life, so long as you remember all I have told you today and you are willing to do the work to bring your aspirations to life. You go girl!

Love always,
Meagan