Background:
dad's an alcoholic and verbally abusive to wife, so after 18 years of marriage, mom splits with the kids and starts a new life.

kids are in 6th grade and 10th grade at the time. The new apartment is great, mom is working as a teacher, friends are coming over and staying the night, then things change.

Mom starts dating, finds a forever man, falls in love. He lives an hour away. Oldest son, now 16, starts to want to do sneaky stuff.

Now he's 17, has been caught drinking, smoking cigs and pot, never wants to be home, loves to spend too much time playing Halo II (and now III), disregards mom's authority when it comes to curfews, and hates being reminded to pick up room.

But, he also is holding a job at Walmart as a cashier, is paying for his gas, insurance, car payment, fast food, and actually helps out around the house and is doing pretty good in school.

So here's my problem. I'm the mom of this young man and I want him to want to be the best he can be. I feel like I suck as a parent right now. I want someone to get through to him! Someone to help him see that cigarettes and pot and drinking will only cause him misery in the end. We talk... well... actually...I do most of the talking and then I wait for him to answer only to be met with silence.

He seems to have good friends, but they are not stepping up to push him into choosing an addicition free way of living. He just can't keep at this and stay on the path to success. Is there a kid out there who knows what I could say or do to get through to him? Share with me. What would you wish a parent would do for you in times like this?

maybe he feels like you are replacing his dad. he's probably pretty angry about it and feels alone. you should try talking to him, don't invade his space or anything, and try not to be like a reporter digging for answers, because that just makes kids want to give extrememly stunted answers. I suggest building a relationship, take him somewhere fun and hang out just as friends. on the ride home or in the car talk to him about his father and how he acted when he was drunk, he probably hardly remembers his dad but hearing how he affected will make him apply what you are saying to his own life ( people tend to do that). he may be acting out to get your attention. I know it's probably frustrating, but dont try too hard to bring up the subject. good luck!

Interesting question. I don't think I could tell you what I would want you to do b/c I'm far too old now to remember what it was like at that age. I was very rambunctious as a kid and really didn't think my mom had a clue. What I can tell you is that you (obviously) can't give up. Somehow, he got into something (the smoking, drinking, and drugs) that he should not have. You mentioned that he has good friends, but one question is: do you really know that? Generally, if a kid hangs around other kids who are good and not into drugs and trouble, then they will tend to be the same way (I know that this is not always the case). Generally kids don't just up and start using drugs without something/someone "pushing" or "helping" them. Is it possible that one of his friends is encouraging this behavior? Is it possible that he had some issues with your new relationship?

Also, just out of curiosity, do you smoke or drink? If so, did you ever do it in front of your kids? I only ask b/c I am a substance abuse prevention worker and I talk to kids a lot about drug prevention. The studies indicate that kids of parents who smoke or drink are more prone to do so themselves. I am not indicating that this is the case, I'm just curious as to whether or not you do/did.

The best advice I can give you is to not give up on him. One of the positives is that he is making his own money and does seem to exhibit a degree of self responsibility. Hang in there and when you talk WITH him, let him guide the conversation. Don't become accusatory, don't steer the conversation the way you want, just simply listen to him and let him tell you things without any negative responses. If it's going to happen, he will begin to talk to you more but don't expect it to happen in one day.