So here it goes. When I was in 1st grade, I spent the night at my friend's house. I was roughly 5 or 6, she was about 11. But we played together a lot since we were next door neighbors. Said friend had an older brother, about 15 at the time. Anyway. When I was trying to fall asleep he came in the room and he fingered me..and he did some other stuff too but not any kind of intercourse.

Now, it's changed me I think. I don't have any interest in boys or girls for that matter. I assume all men are after me and my body, nothing more. When a guy asks me out and says I'm beautiful I laugh at them and walk away. I think that one night made my heart kind of icy and cold. I don't want any relationships with people and I purposely shove those who want to know me away. I don't show emotions, I consider them weaknesses. I always have to make sure everyone thinks of me as strong and I refuse to be thought of as weak. I'd never cry in front of another human, or frown, or smile, or laugh. Just nothing.

Now I also have a lot of trouble handling blame. When I get blamed for something unjustly and i know it, it tears me apart. I cut, I bruise myself. But if I'm blamed for something that I know is my fault, I'm not affected. I always think back...was it my fault that it happened to me? Was it my fault because I let him do it? Even if I did tell him to stop, even if I cried? Was it actually my fault?

I've moved now..but he's still there, in that same town next to my old house. I've gone back a few times to do renovations on my house and he's always tried to talk to me but I would ignore him.

Should I tell someone? Should I get some kind of help? Or am I just overreacting and I should just hold it in and get over it? Is this something I should be worried about? Should I get revenge?

I'm sorry if this breaks any rules. I'm new here but I thought this might be the best place to ask for some advice.

I also want to thank anyone who takes the time to read this.

hey,,,
wut a perve (im so
sorry hunny tht you ha to go
thru tht when you were only
5 years YOUNG!

sincerly
KamBam )

zacfan is right, it isn't your fault, it was his, you were young and didn't know really what was going on, right? yeah, but... and even if you've made promises to other people that your not going to cut, it still has to come from yourself. you can't change it for someone else, you have to WANT to change.

Just my thoughts on it, and i'm sorry about what happened.

I just want to let you know it's NOT YOUR FAULT it's his. And also you shouldn't just push away other people just because he molested you I mean I understand that your scared that it might happen again just remember that not everyone is like that and there are some really nice guys out there. Oh and if you ever think about cutting or hurting yourself again just don't cause even if you think it solves your problems it dosen't it sometimes makes them worse.

Kelley,

I agree with Miss Mod that you should talk to someone about it. I know that it may make you feel very uncomfortable, but in the end, telling someone in person helps a lot. Are you really close to a parent? Sometimes they are the hardest to tell about things because you feel guilty. But this incident is not your fault in any way, shape, or form. You did absolutely nothing to make him do that to you.

You are not over-reacting. Even though it happened so long ago, because it has such long lasting impressions on your life, you should try to resolve it somehow. The only way that I can think of would be to talk more openly to people about it. Not everyone, just people you trust not to tell the world.

I wish I could give you a hug, because this is something that you shouldn’t have had to deal with on your own for the past years. Something that you must remember is that what happened IS NOT YOUR FAULT. You were too young to know better, even though you know it made you uncomfortable.

Best wishes for getting the courage you need to talk to someone about it. Hopefully you can find someone to confide in that will be able to help you more than I am able to.

Never forget: IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

Kelley,

It sounds like this is something that is still weighing very heavily on you, even though it's been about ten years since it happened. You were 5 or 6 at the time; it is not your fault, I can promise you that.

If it is something that is adversely affecting your life, as it sounds it is, I would recommend you talk to someone about it. A parent, older sibling, close relative, religious leader, school counselor or someone else in your life you trust would be the best. If you aren't comfortable with that, or if you want to speak with someone anonymously first, please call 1-800-656-HOPE. It is a hotline that you can call (and it's a free number...your parents don't ever have to find out you called) and speak with someone, and they will likely be able to give you help a bit more customized to your situation. The nice thing about calling in is that if at any point you feel uncomfortable, you can just hang up without any consequence.

Please consider calling the hotline, or speaking with anyone about it. Sharing your experience reduces the power that he has over you. I hope things improve for you.